Praha, Pivo, Prosim

I’m a ‘use what you have’ kind of cook. Like everyone else today, a budget has to be considered. Although I usually buy staple items, I can come up with new variations all the time. Being creative makes it more interesting. Use what you have and make what you like!

I put together some homemade Thai curry the other night and one of the main ingredients is coconut milk. If you’ve never had anything with coconut milk, go buy some today. Delicious. Anyway, I had some coconut milk left in the refrigerator.

Last night I decided I wanted to make some French toast. I had just bought a crusty baguette and I knew I had the other stuff to make it how I wanted. The only thing I didn’t have was syrup so that led me to be even more creative. When I went on the hunt for syrup last night, I noticed the organic variety for about 10$…no way. The ‘regular’ variety was also 10$. People don’t use syrup here so therefore it’s ridiculously priced. There’s that pesky budget thing creeping in so I didn’t buy any.

For the batter I used 3 eggs, regular milk, cinnamon and coconut milk. Not having cooked with coconut milk this way before, I was hesitant to use too much as the sugar content is high and I didn’t want a blackened and charred breakfast. The baguette was sliced on the bias (more surface area for your delicious eggy mixture to soak in and cling to). In went the bread to the batter and I soaked it for 15-20 minutes. I didn’t clock it as I was having coffee, half a grapefruit and reading stupid crap on the web. While your bread is soaking and you are catching up on new Reddit posts, heat up a saute pan–medium-ish heat will work fine.

Put a nice hunk of butter in the pan then add your bread. Don’t overcrowd the pan–it will be harder to flip the pieces. Check periodically and flip when it’s as brown and ‘done’ as you like. When finished, keep warm in the oven if necessary.Since I had some bananas and a can of pineapple that’s been collecting dust, I decided to use those for a topping. The canned pineapple was cut into rather small-ish pieces so I quartered and chopped the banana to ‘match.’ I mixed them in a bowl with a bit of the canned syrup. (Actually, I have to thank a fellow Redditor for the idea of using pineapple on FT. I posted a food thread last week about ‘what to make for breakfast’ and someone suggested a kind of pineapple syrup. I thought it was a most excellent idea!)

Assembly: stack your bread–food tends to look ‘prettier’ when it’s built up. Of course, add butter to your FT. I also have something called Nugeta here in my flat. (Think Nutella but made with peanuts.) I wasn’t sure how sweet the FT would be and since I wasn’t using regular syrup, I thought this would be a good touch. So, on it went. Next was the banana/pineapple mix and finally a bit more cinnamon for garnish. Voila!

All in all, it was pretty delicious and I’ll make it again (as I have leftovers!) but I’d add more coconut milk as I didn’t find the bread to burn ‘more’ than say just using a traditional batter mix. I’d also maybe use more of the canned syrup for more sweetness.

I’m doing the classic/lazy copy/paste on this because I wanted to share this here. I sent this to a friend last night and I’m passing it along to all of you (albeit with a few minor edits)….

I just experienced something that for some reason I thought you would appreciate. Sure, many people could appreciate this but I think you would be one of the few who would ‘Oh damn, this IS amazing’ with me on this one…

I just returned from Letna Park. Of course you have no idea what or where Letna Park is located….. Allow me to explain Letna Park and a bit of Prague first. Prague has been built on 7 hills. These hills aren’t vast mountains spanning across echoing valleys but they can certainly make navigation on foot a pain in the ass. In addition to these hills, the Vltava River also cuts through Prague. Two of Prague’s nicknames include The Mother of Cities and The City of a Hundred Spires. Needless to say, this is a very old and a very weathered place. Perhaps one could say that Prague is even the ‘heartbeat’ of what one would consider to be a Gothic city; we’re talking 1K years here. It’s practically everywhere you look and I love that. From the small little architectural details to the street signs and such, the age of Prague is inescapable. But the funny thing is, I don’t want to escape it; I don’t know anyone who does. Here it’s old stuff with a past. But it isn’t just age or something from a history book, it’s years and time and it’s effortlessly timeless. There are so many historic structures and so much history here, both known and unknown, it’s crazy. The darkened alleyways and cobblestone streets have so many stories and secrets to tell. I would like to hear them all.

Anyway, back to Letna Park…. Letna sits on one of the seven hills of Prague. The park is across the Vltava and directionally, it’s N/NE(ish) of the Old Town area. Letna also has a fucking great beer garden. Yes, I said beer garden. Those are fantastically useful words when used separately but when in unison, it’s as if the clouds part and God Himself is speaking to you. Jesus is your bartender now, pull up a stool.  The beer garden at Letna is hugely popular, especially on warm summer nights. That’s when the beer is the best! Sitting in Letna park at a table right by the railing overlooking Prague is just pretty damn amazing. Because of the geography and the short distance across the river, you can see so much; you can see everything and yet it isn’t enough. More is what you want. You can look left and you can look right and see the spires of centuries old buildings all while enjoying a gloriously golden Czech lager. The beer is tall and inviting and calling your name.  It’s cold and bubbly and tastes so very good. You can silently wonder to yourself who has done the same thing in that very spot on a night just like this and be humbled by it all. It’s a moment of GD perfection, if I do say so myself. And although I have been to Letna many times before, the view doesn’t get old. Ever. It’s something new everyday even if only slightly so…. it’s another day added to the calendar of this beautiful and historic place.

Tonight, I was there during twilight. You know, twilight is that that special time of day when the light is just so and everything flickers just a bit, it lends to this etherial kind of glow and mystery. The shades of blue are everywhere; and some hints of orange and red still twinkle in the streetlights below and in the reflections in the windows. I really smiled a big smile when I was taking it all in and I just know you’d have done the same. I’d equate it to one of those, ‘Damn, it’s great to be alive,’ moments.

Sometimes it’s just those silly little things that make us smile.So, I raise my beer (pivo) to you and send a big na zdravi (to your health!) across the big wide pond known as the Atlantic……until we meet again!  After reading that I pose this query: who is ready for a visit?!

COMMIES

I don’t have a television. I don’t have a radio. Well ok, I do have these things but they are packed away in a storage unit that is 4k miles away. As such, I get all my information from this here lovely interwebs. So……

One class (that happens to be in what I’m convinced is a former Communist Doctor’s office) has a radio. Because the class isn’t in an office building that requires a special security pass, I usually arrive early and pre-board any necessary text for a lesson. Since I’m always early, I turn on the radio and get my fill of weekly Czech radio. Of course I cannot understand what the DJs say when they are speaking. I still listen. However, English language music (like all forms of popular culture) has infiltrated the radio waves. Peppered between Czech songs are the ones I can understand. There are of course songs I don’t know and this just isn’t because I’m tragically unhip. It’s the Euro tunage. A few months back I heard a song I liked. I’m a writer of lyrics. But this is not for some deep and soulful purpose; this is only for the task of locating a particular song to download later. Anyway, I came home and downloaded this song. Ha, it is a Romanian pop group. Nice.

Cut to this week….most recently (as in Tuesday of this week) I heard another song I liked. I presume my ear noticed it because the band sounds quite a lot like Depeche Mode*. Camouflage is a German synthpop band from the 80s. I admit it, I’m a sucker for shitty synthpop. Go ahead & rag on it, I deserve the ridicule. It’s just damn catchy music. If you like bad 80s synth, check out these lyrics.

Or here’s the video if you so choose. Does anyone else thing the band has a Matt Damon-faced singer? How does Jason Bourne have time to program his Moog when determining his own identity?

*As an aside…… I found out about this place while reading an article on something else this week. It’s in Estonian but it’s real. Yes, a DM-themed bar. I’m a DM fan but I won’t be making a special trip to Tallinn for this.

LUNCH

There’s a great vegetarian Indian place about 2 blocks from here. (Check the menu for Dhaba Tynska) I’m pretty far from vegetarian on the food scale but Indian food is so tasty that meat really isn’t necessary. This place is literally in the shadows of Tyn Cathedral and insanely cheap. It’s in a courtyard of a sidestreet and unless you knew it was there, you’d walk right by. I love those hidden little gems. Beas offers a rather small menu but the ‘big menu’ is a mere 100KC. Score!

I also tried my first Kombucha. Kombucha is fermented tea. I can confirm that it does not taste like tea but does indeed taste fermented. The taste is really quite odd and off-putting. To be more specific, it rather tastes like something rotting; like something you should have thrown away 2 days ago but were too lazy and hungover. Like many similar foods that taste funky and gross, Kombucha is supposed to have some curative and beneficial qualities thus the reason for ingesting the stuff. If you haven’t heard of Kombucha, it’s not a fancy Euro-fied beverage. I had heard of the stuff in the US and my friend John used to buy it. Just look around in any health food or organic store and they’ll probably have it in their inventory.

Prior to having the stuff though I do recall Tina Fey on Letterman talking about her recent addiction to the dubious beverage. Go to 4:15 to hear her talk about it. She’s pretty spot on in her assessment and commentary.

On the note of Tina Fey, oh how I miss 30 Rock. Too bad I can’t get Hulu over here. Season 3 episodes are damn hard to locate online. Sadness.

CHEESE

If I said pickled cheese, the reaction of any normal person would be one of the following: ick, eew, gross, fuck that, nasty, hell no, etc. However, contrary to these thoughts, pickled cheese is freaking delicious. Pickled Hermelin is a staple bar food here in the C.R.. I was hesitant to try it for the very reason any normal person would hesitate to try the stuff. But I can report with great glee that pickled hermelin is the bomb. It’s not pickled in the traditional sense of being pickled. I usually associate tart, tangy, sour and vinegary with pickled foods. The hermelin is packed in a jar with various herbs, spices and other goodies such as garlic, peppers, juniper berries, capers, black pepper, onion, and oil. Basically you just let the stuff sit and work it’s magic in a jar. That easy. When the stuff is ready, you smear it all over some hearty Czech bread (Sumava is suggested) and you have a wonderful treat. I loved the stuff so much that I went to Tesco and bought a big plastic jar of the stuff. By no means is a 60Kc purchase of cheese going to be the world’s finest but it will surely satisfy my new cheese obsession.

Voila!

WORK

Here’s an example of the boring stuff I was researching last week to do a lesson at Kaufland. It’s at their logistics center in the Czech countryside. The place is huge and cumbersome and you can see the facility from kilometers away. It’s kind of one of those, ‘Oh shit, what the hell IS that over there,’ moments.

You can imagine the riveting buckets of information one can locate about grocery stores and related vocabulary. It’s rather boring and uninteresting material to do for 90 minutes.

NEWS

While surfing around on links from Reddit (my new go-to source aggregator), I saw the words penis and laser so naturally I did a little tap of my track pad and off I went. But what struck me as more tragic and interesting than the actual article was the sidebar. Yes, those are all associated news blurbs related to penis trauma this week. So this makes me query, ‘Does some dude behind a monitor aggregate articles on genitalia?’ Interesting gig. Is this a WTF moment? Or perhaps even a FTW? You decide.

ADVERTISING

What? Where’s Tom Cruise when you need him? How many level II Thetans approve of this message?

RANDOM PICS OF THE WEEK

Letna Park and an invader

Find the pivo!

Church at Strahov Monastery

Reminder: I live here

Just a quick blog so I can post a picture for Jayne. While on Skype tonight she requested I photograph the dinner I was making at the time. I did. Here it is.

Cheap Euro Shopper brand pasta + olive oil + milk & 2 kinds of cheese cheese to make a ghetto alfredo sauce + garlic + tomato + oregano & basil + salt/pepper + a wee spot of thyme & rosemary = dinner! I also added a scrambled egg to the mix. You can’t tell it’s there. And because I am my Mother’s daughter, I had to add extra garnish for the purposes of the photo. Note fancy Czech street backdrop.

When I opened the fridge I lost an egg. Sadness.

As I’ve mentioned, the weather has been crazy here (read shitty) lately but it cleared up nicely today so I took the camera & tripod to the nearest bridge (less than 400yards) and snapped away. This is what I got. Enjoy. Happy desktopping!

Here’s a deserted alley in the Jewish Quarter. Pretty cool, eh? I love that all this stuff is so close to where I sleep. Awesome. I just took these an hour ago.

12:34 56s 7/8/9A bottle of Becherovka, shots & a one second party under the horse’s ass of the King Wenceslas statue at Vaclavske Namesti. Check. Done.

More Becherovka. This time add Wii, shake & stir. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. James Lipton & Lou Gossett Jr. play baseball.

Workshops, Visas, & Zivnostensky lists OH MY! *Note: it was ’suggested’ that I present some kind of timeline for getting a work permit/zivno/visa. I tried to explain that’s nearly impossible due to the government bureaucracy but alas, they think I’m an idiot and just making this more complicated. They’ll realize soon enough that it’s a nebulous process and there is no speedy and painless route. You’re welcome in advance before you even realize it. Just be thankful you didn’t have to deal with R.J. on this one. It’s neither easy nor cheap. Remember I told you this.

Rain rain go away, why won’t you bring summer weather with you to this fine city?

1) Awake at 7:30am on a Sunday morning. 2) Laundry done by 9. 3) Hang laundry out window to dry. 4) Grocery shopping by 9:30. 5) Wait, WTF to #3?

I like public holidays although I don’t get paid. Good or bad. I can’t decide. Both?

Chili cookoff round 2. I’m the only competitor. I win & so does my stomach. Close race. Ahh. All mine!

I broke my quasi-good headphones last week. I stepped on them. The cheap replacement is such an inferior piece of shit. I miss the old ones.

FOOD and FOOD

I enjoy cooking. No mistake about this; I blog about it often. Anyway, I’m a ‘cook what you have’ kind of person. What do I mean by that? Well firstly, I do follow recipes. However, I don’t follow recipes all the time. I think the idea of a recipe is to have a base. If you know how to make some basic things, you can riff off the tenets of what to do and ingredients and various quantities. If you cook for yourself, you know what you like. So, if you think something will ‘go’ together in a dish, fuck it, throw it in. In other words, if it’s in the kitchen, for God’s sake use it! You aren’t a restaurant critic, you can always toss it and start anew.

1) Budget shopping. As much as it sucks, it must be done. I’m on a shoestring budget here and I’ve learned what to buy and what is cheap. Certain staples are key. Potatoes and onions are always on the cheap. Loaves of bread are usually a good deal. Eggs are fairly inexpensive too.

2) Unless you are boring and just love bland and flavorless food, you need to buy some herbs/seasonings. Fresh herbs are a bit harder to find here but there’s a fair amount of individually portioned/bagged dried herbs & seasonings readily available. They’re a good deal, too. Well-flavored food can make an otherwise lifeless meal a bit more interesting.

3) Fresh fruits & vegetables… the selection isn’t what it is in the U.S. but generally speaking, carrots, cabbage and occasionally tomatoes are on the less expensive side.

I love breakfast food. Always have. This will not change. Lately, I’ve been making larger ‘American style’ breakfasts on the weekends.

Why did I just mention all this stuff? So I can share with you my most recent morning treats! Keeping in mind the points I just covered, here’s what I made last week:roasted potatoes & onions with misc. herbs, omelette with ham, cheese & tomatoes, and some nice hearty thick-sliced Czech bread.Vitamins!

Today’s meal: toast, roasted potatoes & red pepper with thyme, oregano, basil, paprika, salt/pepper, olive oil, three cheese omelette (Hermelin, bleu cheese cream cheese & Moravian cheese–similar to Parm), a nice sliced fresh tomato…. sprinkle more fresh cheese atop and voila! I wouldn’t normally use those kinds of cheese in an omelette but it follows my ‘use what you have’ mentality. Cheese, eggs, potatoes, bread & butter are some of my favorite things!

Some random images from iPhoto!

a) Fine wine of the week. A well-spent 49Kc at Albert. b) I spilled Ranch on the floor. In a land where it’s unavailable, this pretty much went down as the following–Oh shit! Man down! c)Let’s call this the slicer of death. I was at a party at a colleague’s flat in Zizkov a few nights ago and this rusty old Eastern Bloc instrument of torture is about 3 feet from the front door and in plain view of anyone in the kitchen. I inquired about said death tool. It looks like an antiquated meat slicer; you know the kind that the guys in the deli would use. No, this is a bread slicer. Or so I was told. According to my colleague (flatmate of the proprietor of said device), this was affixed to the counter in this spot so when slicing bread, the crumbs will just fall into the sink. Our query, ‘Who the fuck slices bread like this?’ Buy a knife, dude.

And the workshops are under way…

Add bullet point #3 to my curriculum vitae. In addition to doing ‘regular’ classes for Glossa & Skrivanek, I also do some workshops with TEFL classes at The Language House. I’m fairly new at this and so far my lessons have not been structured as proper TEFL lessons. But, in my defense, I’m not teaching a foreign language to these people. I’m talking to native speakers. The goal isn’t to teach 8-10 new words and incorporate them into an activity. There is though a set list of information that I’m required to dissect and if I planned out the material as a traditional TEFL lesson, the lesson would be far longer than it needs to be. If I attempted to elicit all the necessary points, we’d be in a classroom for hours. And when there’s beer to be had, this process impedes on the consumption of said potent potable.

I gave nearly a 3 hour ‘tour’ to the new class on Monday. It really shouldn’t be called a ‘tour’ because that’s not really what it is. Yes, they follow me around and I remark about appropriate things such as banking, post offices, markets, and perhaps a bit of history. But as I’m not an official tour guide nor do I have a brain full of historical data regarding this city, the ‘tours’ aren’t really that informative. I suppose the tour is just a quick way to let new students see a bit more of the famous landmarks here in Prague and I’m happy to be the one to do that. However, being the nerd I am I still scripted out some points to cover during said tour and even carried notes. Yes, really.

The new TEFL class seems like a cool bunch. Is that a premature statement? I hate to say it but they’re probably cooler than my class. Of course, I still have my peeps from my class but the age range in our unit was more varied and, well, we also had Ian.

Let me tell you about Ian. Ian is a guy originally from Rhodesia (and he made frequent reference to himself being Rhodesian) but had been living in the UK for years. Ian also claimed to be 43 years old. I use word claimed as well, if you saw him you’d doubt said figure, too. To be kind he appeared to have lived a rough life and I know he enjoyed the bottle quite a bit. In addition to his questionable age, Ian also had 7 children. Yes, that’s certainly higher than the average bloke but if you saw this chap, you’d perhaps be surprised at the amount of sex that is required to manufacture said quantity of offspring. Oy vey. It was rumored also that Ian, in large part, came to Prague so that his ex-wives could not locate him and thus force him to pay for child support. Oh yes, what an upstanding fellow. Additionally, Ian also claimed (again, claimed) that he had a Russian doctor as a fiance. Upon hearing this I was convinced that she was a mail-order bride as no self-respecting female of the medical community would shack up with (and desire sex from) an old and hardened drunken child abandoner. Supposedly this woman also supported him financially and sent him money with frequency.

I feel I should also mention that about half-way through our course one of his baby Momma supposedly attempted suicide. (I’m not trying to make light of a failed suicide attempt but this guy frankly is/was full of shit so I say all of this with speculation as what the real truth might be….) Although this woman was his ex, he was all torn up over the news and just stopped coming to our classes. By the way, attendance is mandatory; you are required not only to be present but also create and teach real lessons to real people every day. If you can’t do those things, you ain’t gonna get yo paper. So, in the middle of his depressed state he then basically locked himself in his shitty room above a local brothel (yes, true) and apparently just festered in his own Rhodesian filth while chain smoking and accumulating empty vodka bottles that became strewn about the room. I know, I’m providing quite a romantic image of this lovely man.

In the end, Ian officially dropped out of our class and continued to fester away in his rather expensive room for a few more weeks. But Ian wasn’t going to bow out completely just yet…..Ian re-enrolled in the next TEFL class (and again, paying more money). I saw him once in the building and I can report he appeared sobert. But, I was later informed that the mysterious Russian doctor was again financing him. At some point it was rumored that during his second course he & Dr. Svetlana Boginskaya (I hope someone will get that reference) got hitched and for a second time he dropped out of the course.I suppose now Ian is just a legend; the kind of person that TEFL classes will hear about in the hallways of The Language House. Perhaps he’ll gain the status of being ‘that guy’ and providing a beacon of disappointment and failure by which all future TEFLers shall avoid whilst passing in the night.

All this said though, Ian isn’t a jerk or an asshole. I feel obligated to say I liked the guy and he was always very nice to me. However, it was quite apparent to me and everyone else that due has/had some issues and is probably also guilty of stretching the truth a bit if not being a full-blown pathological liar.But anyway, back to the new TEFL class… in Language House ‘tradition’ it’s known that the most recent TEFL class takes out the new class. But, there were only 3 people in the June class and well, the proportion of new to old would be horrible skewed. Instead, Dita & I put out a bowling & pivo invite via Facebook. It was an evening of cheap beer which in my book is always a good thing. We were at some ‘nonstop’ (an English word that Czechs like to use) place in Vrsovice. The bowling was a mere 2 lanes. Yes, a big and fancy place! Aside from not having the requisite stinky bowling shoe rental, the lanes in this place are also much shorter than the standard. The pins are also on strings. Yes, strings. They are like marionette pins just bouncing about.

At this point I’ll also mention that all the marionette dolls here kind of creep me out. I don’t get it. Their creepy little painted faces and dancing limbs are just plain wrong. I don’t want a replica Pinocchio with tiny wooden feet clopping away on the floor of my flat. Ick. No thanks. Next.

 Random pic of the week…

My parents were here last week and since my Mom loves me, she fulfilled my requests of bringing over some Frank’s Red Hot and Kraft Mac & Cheese. I’ve expounded on my love of FRH before but since it’s 100% unavailable here and I love it so, I had to have it. Thanks to airline restrictions, Mom had to split up a bottle into the ‘appropriate-sized travel containers’ therefore I received 4 small squeeze bottles of Frank’s. I don’t need the bottle to know there’s crack inside. The mac & cheese… ok yes, this stuff is delicious. I can live without it but simply because it’s also 100% unavailable here, I had to have it. Lastly, Mom brought some powder packets of Hidden Valley Ranch. Ranch is the shit. No arguing. My sister would probably even argue that there is some unknown lifeforce contained within the Ranch. All that said, here’s my dinner of chicken with FRH, Ranch and a big GD pile of Kraft Mac & Cheese. I certainly didn’t make this meal for the purposes of photography or aesthetics. I just wanted some tasty vittles.

While M&D were here, we did a day trip to Karlovy Vary. KV is a spa town in W. Bohemia. It’s quite a picturesque little town with lots of cute shops and the like. KV is also the home of Becherovka. Becherovka is pretty much the Czech national spirit. It’s described as an herbal liquor made of 30+ herbs. When I first heard this I equated Becherovka with Jagermeister which is fucking nasty. Jag is herbal so I was making a natural assumption. I was wrong. While Jag tastes like the medicine you Mom made you choke down as a kid, Becherovka tastes like Christmas. At the Becherovka museum shop, they sell the regular stuff along with Lemond (readily available here) as well as a cordial variety and something called KV 14. I had never seen the latter two nor has a friend of mine who is from KV. The KV 14 isn’t as sweet or syrupy as the regular variety and the KV 14 is also made with 10% red wine. It’s certainly more ‘alcoholic’ tasting than the standard but I will confirm it’s pretty good. Recommended serving: very chilled either straight or with orange juice.

It’s been raining like a mother bitch lately. Gorgeous day today, though. What’s a girl to do on a sunny summer day in Prague?

Me and some new TEFL peeps. p.s. Happy Birthday America now go drink a PBR!

No, I’m not sick but I am bad. Bad for not blogging lately. Shit. Don’t hate me, readers. I gots things to do, man!

My parents visited last week but I’m in the middle of planning out a workshop for tomorrow s I opromise to give a more detailed update this weekend. I’ll even include pics because that’s just how freaking amazing I am. Modest, too…..

Not much new this week in the thousand-year-old city. The city of 100 spires. The Mother of Cities. Ah yes, fucking Prague!

Work is getting ready to roll into the summer session and I only have 1 class that is ‘finished’ as of the end of the month. Apparently I’m one of the lucky ones! I’ll be working for The Language House starting next month. Doing what, you ask? Get this–I’ll be doing job assistance workshops. Nice, eh? Adding an additional employer and new experience is yet another bullet point on the old cirriculum vitae.

VISITORS!

No, these visitors aren’t from another planet. But they will be coming from a little place called The United States of America and they happen to be my parents. I will be on full tour guide patrol/duty for the next week as they are arriving tomorrow. The requisite ‘tidying up’ was completed yesterday. I am genetically predisposed to clean for visitors. I was a good child today and bought some delicious local beer and a bottle of Becherovka for when they check out the flat. Yes, I am fully prepared to imbibe!

Pretty pretty pretty…..

I snapped the following last Saturday night.

Well, it’s been a while since I blogged so this one is going to be peppered with randomness…

1. Usually, when using the metro, I stand. This isn’t because the seats are gross and dirty, this is because many times it’s just easier to get off the metro if you are in front of the door. That said, the other day I was seated just minding my own business. Then, to my left and at perfect eye level there stood a man. While this man was facing away from me, therein lies the heart of my story. Uh well, rather perhaps I should say therein lies the ’seat’ of my story.

The man in question was reading a book or a magazine (I can’t remember and it isn’t important) and perhaps he was unaware of an apparently chronic problem. You see, this man has an unfortunate condition; for the sake of definition, this is something that I’ll call ‘twitching ass syndrome.’ Due to lack of medical acumen, I could not nor cannot ascertain what said condition is actually labelled therefore and for the sake of this writing, it is TAS for short.

This guy’s ass was twitching at full speed. Both cheeks were fully engaged in said twitching activity. The alternate flexing and relaxing of the cheeks was a most interesting visual. Perhaps some could consider such movements to be a kind of silent ass symphony.

I’m not even quite sure what the expression ‘full throttle’ means but I’m going to use it when discussing the separate entity that is/was this dude’s twitching proclivity. This display of gluteal twitches went on for about 5 metro stops and that’s only because I got off the metro and went on my merry way.

All of this brings me to a series of queries…..Does this guy’s ass really twitch uncontrollably for hours at a time? Is this a real and diagnosed condition? What (if any) medical treatment can be sought in connection with such a chronic issue? Has the medical field carelessly disregarded conditions like this for the more ‘glammed up’ research of say, warts, necrotizing fasciitis and seasonal affective disorder?

One last note….before you go Googling this condition (and I already have), there is a serious lack of written material on the subject. Funny thing, I actually knew someone years ago who also had a twitching ass (yes really). However, his gluteal twitches are associated with Tourette’s. His Tourette’s manifested in strange and frequent coughing fits quickly followed by a body shake and ass twitch. Metro man was exhibiting no other obvious Tourette’s-like tics so who’s to say what was happening.

2. The closest grocery store to my flat is the Albert at Namesty Republiky. I mention this store often not because it’s absolutely amazing (it isn’t) but because I’m there too much. There are certainly better Albert branches in Prague; I just happen to live near one of the shitty ones. But, the close proximity and frequent sales are a plus so it’s all good by me.

A frequently appearing word here in Czech is AKCE. Directly translated, I’m not sure what it means but it refers to either a sale or a discount. AKCE is in big capital letters all over Albert. Albert’s sales are pretty killer.

Exhibit A…… it was one of the big AKCE promotions that Branik beer was so insanely cheap a few weeks ago. Refresher: cheap as in 3.90Kc/each. Add in an extra 3Kc for the bottle return and you have a beer for between 25 and 50 US cents. NICE!

Exhibit B……….There was also a big sale of Milka chocolate bars a few weeks ago. Czechs go batty over chocolate (and so do I), so these candy bars were snatched up in no time. Also, I’ll mention that the chocolate bars here are not the standard US size. I’m not sure how many grams each bar weighs but I’ll guess and say these babies might be 8-10 ounces. In other words, they are quite substantial. To provide some kind of reference as to how MUCH Czechs love their sweets, there was a per person/per bar limit on the Milka sale. One afternoon, I was behind a family (that although purchased separately) that bought about 60 freaking Milka bars. Um yeah, that’s a lot of chocolate.

Exhibit C………On my morning run to Albert today, I was in the bakery area and took advantage of the AKCE on some kind of breakfast pastry. I didn’t bother to read the name but I jumped at the 4.90Kc price. Anyway, I’m a sucker for beer/alcohol/wine on sale especially when it’s ‘foreign’ to my palate. All this sale stuff I buy could be complete shit but frankly, it’s ‘exotic’ to me so what the hell.

Hmmm, what’s that inside? Oh silly me, it’s chocolate. Ok, I’ll eat it. Poof! Magic! All gone!

I’m posting this pic because these little bastards are delicious. Not much more needs to be said when you have pecans in the mix. I don’t know what it’s called but I’m pretty sure there’s crack inside. *The pic looks oddly like a stock photo; it’s not. The white plate underneath just gives the illusion that this image is for an in-store demo.

Exhibit D………What else have I bought on sale, you ask? Well of course, I’ll tell you….. some locally produced wine! I’ve purchases cheap wine before, I’m not above doing so. I’m pretty far distances from being an oenophile, so I’m insulting nobody buy making poor choices in the vino department. This week the big AKCE was on wine labeled from Prague 4. F.Y.I., Prague 4 is pretty much in the heart of the city so it’s rather laughable that a bottled product is coming from somewhere in Nusle. While Tesco (and even Albert) have super SUPER cheap boxed wine for the homeless guys, this stuff was only about a half notch above that. I dropped a whopping 27Kc on a bottle of this stuff. Eh, it was fine but at least it was in a bottle.

Dramatic posing of said wine.

3. So as I type this it’s Saturday morning at 945. I’ve been up for two hours (boo!) and if I was a normal person, I’d go back to bed. Alas, this will not happen just yet. I should be in bed because I was out much later than usual last night. It’s always the nights that you don’t PLAN to stay out late that shit happens and you just do.

My friend Dita wanted to go for a beer. Cool by me; I’m always up for a good pivo. We went to Chapeau Rouge which is a bar/club here in Old Town/Prague 1. I’d heard of this place and a bunch of friends had been before, but last night I popped my Chapeau cherry. The vibe of the place is pretty cool. There’s tons of random stuff around and it’s kitschy and a bit funky. We sat at a table in the front and there is a hilarious display in the front window.

I’ll do my best at describing it…..Imagine if you will a ceramic Mary. Yeah, Mary as in, ‘I’m having a baby Joe, take my ass to Bethlehem,’ Mary. Mary is holding a tiny CD, she’s positioned in a bowl of plastic grapes which are flanked by wooden fish. Said bowl is underneath a small spinning disco ball. The bowl is situation on a turn table so yes, Mary is a turnin’. As she does her never-ending cycle of spins, it’s then you notice the plastic guns that surround the whole piece. The symbolism is quite obvious and I love it. Now of course to the Christian fundies this is all obviously very offensive and sacrelege. To the rest of us normal fucks, it’s just plain awesome.

So anyway, back to my story…. when we arrived at Chapeau, it was about 8:30. A fairly early evening out even for American standards. But, we arrived at a good time as we were able to commandeer a table and hold it all night. The place filled up relatively quickly but we had our seats. Most excellent.

Dita & I met some interesting folks during the night. First off I’ll say that Dita is Czech and since I don’t know shit about this language, we were speaking English all night. I’m not sure if it’s because people heard us speaking English but they found us more interesting and wanted to talk and practice their own English. One guy we met is a local camerman and he told us some interesting tales of his travels including one of his buddy who had a vital organ removed (no, not the normal hospital variety excision) when he was kidnapped in Peru. Yikes! This guy was nice enough and we got a free beer out of it. Free beer is my favorite kind.

Camerman dude left and then we met the interesting ones… Again, I think because they heard us speaking English is why they asked if they could roll a joint at our table. (Yes, people DO smoke in public here!) This was a trio consisting of 2 Czech guys and a Slovak girl. One of the Czech dudes (Ladislav!) lives in Ronkonkoma (Long Island) and has a Slovak stripper girlfriend. Yes, live the American dream, buddy! The other two were a couple oh and by the way, they were wearing latex. Yeah, latex. Chapeau Rouge isn’t a fetish bar. But this couple you could just TELL is really into some kinky shit. Anyway, George (latex man) was telling me how his latex is the most comfortable and breatheable (my word, not his) item of clothing he owns. That is, until the dancing and fucking happens (this time his words, not mine). So, this statement gave me the visual of him & his latex girlfriend going at it screaming dirty Czech words to each other while they bite and slap and kick their way out of sex harness/swing. Yikes.

All that said, this trio was pretty nice and friendly and the two guys spoke rather decent English. We split two joints with them and chatted away. (’Why yes, so nice of you to offer, I think I will have a toke!’) During this toke toke pass ritual, George then started telling me about some monthly ‘parties’ in Palmovka. (**Sidenote: I wrote about Palmovka in a blog a few months ago. This is an area of town that I referred to a Communist wasteland. Palmovka is NOT the pretty Prague. ) These ‘parties’ while I’m not exactly sure what goes on at these parties have regular ‘underground’ body modification sessions. George then went into detail about what kinds of body mods they do: piercings (um ok, fine sure yeah, whatever), burnings (WTF), scarrification (again WTF)…… I do not get the hardcore body mods at all. I’ve heard of scarrification but burnings? Who does that shit? But the best part? George gave me his e-mail so I can get on the ‘list’ to these parties. Check and done. Really.

4. Even though I live thousands of miles from ‘home,’ I still like to know what’s happening there. Occasionally, I’ll check the local paper and look at local party pics. I came across these while looking through pics from Taste of the Bluegrass.

Other than say The Joker, has anyone seen a grin like this before? It’s like infinity.

Seriously, WTF is up with her dress. A stupid ribbon/bow that goes right across the middle? I don’t know shit about fashion but I am positive this is shit. The guys from Project Runway would vomit cashmere over this.

And now she’s dancing. And what’s with the expression on the face of the woman in the middle. You just know the that the normal and cute friend regretted going out with those two that night. Too many bad photo ops!

5. It’s Saturday. It’s June. The sky is clear. I don’t have to work today. What am I going to do? I think it’s Brevnov Monastery this afternoon. And I’m bringing the tripod. Hotness.

And here’s a random image of my plush quarters here at Chez Andrea.

Note: this is where the magic is NOT happening

Yes, my desk is boring but this is where I spend most of my time. Imagine me sitting there now typing this.

Funny sidenote…. ok, the lowest window at the bottom behind the right door… there isn’t much visible. A while back I popped right up out of bed at 3am one night. I was wide awake. Of course I opened up my Mac and said hello the these here interwebs. Becuase my table/desk is situation just so, I can clearly see the windows of the flats across the street. In the aforementioned window I noticed a light on. And then I saw movement. I had a glimmer of hope that perhaps I could have been a bit of a voyeur that night and seen people having sex. Nope. Instead I saw something different. First, the normally closed curtains were wide open. There was a light on inside. At this point I’ll also mention that my street is one-way so it’s quite narrow and the buildings are closer than average. So, just inside the window and sitting in a chair was a man. A hot, sexy, strapping man, you ask? Ha, no. This was an old man. An old naked man. The chair was turned outward towards the street. This guy wasn’t doing anything sexual he was just sitting naked in his chair. Maybe he was smoking cigarettes or reading Newsweek. I don’t know how long he had been sitting there nor how long he continued to sit there but the curtains are now closed and the show is over.

As much as it sucks to have one, living on a budget is a bitch. If I could afford steak & crab legs & whiskey every night, believe me, I’d live it up big time. But, the pesky thing called reality bites us all in the ass and provides an anchor for which the budget-minded are required to subsist. That said, I thought I’d share some of my budget meals with my fellow budget-conscious cyber friends.

Everyone that knows me knows that I like to cook. For some the process of shopping, preparation, and the actual cooking is a tortuous concept. They just hate it. Hate everything about it. I’m not one of those people. Going to new and fancy grocery stores is something I like doing. I enjoy slowly cruising the aisles for good little edible treats. I enjoy mincing garlic and chopping onions and all that other stuff even if these things make my hands stinky or make me cry. I enjoy sauteeing random things in a pan and making sauces. It’s just fun. For me, it’s a good time.

Breakfast

A month or so ago I was craving some good American-style breakfast goodies. Other than Bohemia Bagel, it’s rather difficult (if not impossible) to find a place that serves hash browns, bacon (American style–and yes, there is a difference), bagels with cream cheese, omelettes, pancakes, etc. you get my point.

First, I love bacon. Yes, love it. There are really two camps when it comes to bacon: those from the school of ‘burn it’ and those from the school of ‘I’ll take it floppy and greasy, please.’ I am from the latter. Crispy burnt bacon, in my opinion, is a disservice to the bacon. Respect the meat. If it can disintegrate when picking it up, what’ the freaking point of that? The glorious streaks of fat in the bacon are what make it so damn good. Fat = flavor. Go ahead & deny it but it’s the truth. Any butcher will agree.

So, I really wanted some bacon on this particular day… I decided to go full out and make other stuff because I figure that if I want just one thing specifically and am required to go to the store to get it, why not go ahead and make all the other delicious breakfast accoutrements. Bread? Gotta have it. Carbs = life. I toasted up some fresh baked goodness and slapped cream cheese all over that bad boy. Huevos? Gotta have those, too. Scrambled with cheese. Check. Potatoes & onions? Ok, sounds good. Oh wait, let’s add some cherry tomatoes, too!

Lunch

I made some egg salad last week. I don’t eat egg salad regularly but I have to confess I think it’s great. Sometimes I’m pretty easy to please and egg salad is just one of those comfort food items that makes me a happy person. I don’t know about you but egg salad makes me think of picnics and the summer. You know what else makes me think of picnicking? Potato salad. Not being one who usually likes the cold side dishes associated with picnics, I felt a wild rash of potato love this morning and made some potato salad. This is an item that I had never made before but I quickly Googled a recipe and threw some things together. It actually worked and is quite tasty. It also helps that the potatoes were on sale at Albert. One kilo for 7.90Kc is pretty damn reasonable. When it’s on sale, you fucking buy it. It’s an unspoken rule to me.

Since I didn’t want to eat the potato salad by itself, I also made a grilled cheese for the side. Well ok, I’ll be fancy and call this a croque monsieur because I piled some ham on this baby. There is no cheddar in this country. Actually, all the cheeses I’ve seen have been of the light yellow variety. They love their Edam here. It’s everywhere. But, I sprung for some kind of local bleu cheese so my grilled cheese was a variant on the traditional.

Dinner

Unless you live under a rock or a terrorist regime, you’ve probably had a roast chicken in your life. Roast chicken is certainly one of my favorite foods to eat and prepare. Why? Roasting a chicken is super easy and almost impossible to destroy. Whole birds are usually reasonably priced as it requires YOU the purchaser to do the work of skinning and boning the meat.

So, how does one prepare a roast chicken? Here’s what I do and I’m basing this on using a whole chicken…

Preheat your oven to 350 or 375F

Wash your bird and pat dry

Make a delicious compound butter–I typically like minced garlic, salt & pepper, butter, lemon juice, lemon zest, thyme
(You’ll be putting the compound butter underneath and on the skin so make sure you are using an adequate quantity)

Rub the butter all over the bird and separate the skin from the meat using your fingers–this is easy to do but be careful not to pierce the skin as the mixture will of course melt and run out from under the skin

Put the bird in a roasting pan and just let that baby go!

60-75 minutes is usually ample time for the bird to cook through

How to test if a chicken is done? Pierce the meat around the leg and if the juices run clear, you’re good…. also if the legs wiggle freely, that’s a good indicator that the meat is cooked

Of course this can be done with smaller portions of meat (breast, thigh, etc.) but your cooking time will be quite a bit less as your quantity has been reduced

Another tip is to cook the meat on a bed of potatoes, onions, etc. (of course your choice) Depending on how much chicken you are using, you might want to alter when you put in the vegetables as they won’t all necessarily require the same cooking times

The vegetables will also absorb the delicious juices/butter mixture that slowly drips from the chicken so essentially, you will have a pan of damn good eats. Crack open a beer or a bottle of wine and enjoy your meal!

p.s. Good girls like me make leftovers!

Voila!