Praha, Pivo, Prosim

In a feat of bad English instruction I bring you some information about Czech hookers…

First, allow me to explain…

Last week, somehow the topic of prostitution came up in a lesson. Yes, you read that right. No holds barred in my classes.

Anyway, prostitution is legal here. That is, from what I had heard, prostitutes are legal if they operate within a brothel. I asked my student to confirm said knowledge. My student didn’t know the word ‘brothel’ so I provided a synonym: whorehouse. From there, I broke down the word further…. a whore = a prostitute a ‘ho’ = slang for a prostitute (I also said it is unwise to refer to a woman as a HO unless of course she really IS a ho)…. (Random: Czechs love learning American slang! They might not take many notes in class but if I preface some terms by saying they are ‘American slang,’ they quickly grab their pens and get to work.)

So, of course the student remembers the slang term HO which he used in a correct form today. I was so very proud at that moment and I expressed said pride in the knowledge that he now knows about hos.

Anyway, back to my story… so yes, it is true that prostitutes are required to conduct their business from a brothel. However, that’s not to say there aren’t your run-of-the-mill street hookers and jacked-up, one-toothed, peg-legged, crackwhores wandering the dark alleys of Prague. I’ve walked down Vaclavske Namesti numerous times at night and I can say I’ve never noticed a street ho parading her ass around the sausage stands for a fresh John. Maybe they don’t dress like your typical American street hooker complete with fish nets stockings, busted teeth and clear-heeled ho boots. I also don’t know how much the local and state police monitor the ho stroll so I sadly can’t report any hilarious hooker arrests involving flying shoes and spitting. Too bad–it would be a good blog.

So anyway back to my point…. my student told me that yes, they are supposed to work in the whorehouse but there is a famous stretch of road here in the Czech Republic that has some internationally famous hookers. No, I don’t mean that they are famous individually for any special or unique hooker skills they might possess. I just mean to say that from what Valer told me, there is a stretch of the E55 highway littered with Czech-speaking blow job queens. Somehow I find the prospect of being a highway hooker quite depressing. Of course I’m not suggesting that I think the life of a regular city ho is anything glamorous. No sir, I’ve seen Sally Jesse and Springer; I know how that shit goes down. But man, selling your ass for a quickie in the back of a semi truck hauling zucchini to Berlin must really be scraping the bottom of the proverbial pride barrel. Dang, y’all.

**I was going to provide a link but if you Google ‘prostitutes on E55,’ you’ll find some interesting stuff.

12:34 56s 7/8/9A bottle of Becherovka, shots & a one second party under the horse’s ass of the King Wenceslas statue at Vaclavske Namesti. Check. Done.

More Becherovka. This time add Wii, shake & stir. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. James Lipton & Lou Gossett Jr. play baseball.

Workshops, Visas, & Zivnostensky lists OH MY! *Note: it was ’suggested’ that I present some kind of timeline for getting a work permit/zivno/visa. I tried to explain that’s nearly impossible due to the government bureaucracy but alas, they think I’m an idiot and just making this more complicated. They’ll realize soon enough that it’s a nebulous process and there is no speedy and painless route. You’re welcome in advance before you even realize it. Just be thankful you didn’t have to deal with R.J. on this one. It’s neither easy nor cheap. Remember I told you this.

Rain rain go away, why won’t you bring summer weather with you to this fine city?

1) Awake at 7:30am on a Sunday morning. 2) Laundry done by 9. 3) Hang laundry out window to dry. 4) Grocery shopping by 9:30. 5) Wait, WTF to #3?

I like public holidays although I don’t get paid. Good or bad. I can’t decide. Both?

Chili cookoff round 2. I’m the only competitor. I win & so does my stomach. Close race. Ahh. All mine!

I broke my quasi-good headphones last week. I stepped on them. The cheap replacement is such an inferior piece of shit. I miss the old ones.

FOOD and FOOD

I enjoy cooking. No mistake about this; I blog about it often. Anyway, I’m a ‘cook what you have’ kind of person. What do I mean by that? Well firstly, I do follow recipes. However, I don’t follow recipes all the time. I think the idea of a recipe is to have a base. If you know how to make some basic things, you can riff off the tenets of what to do and ingredients and various quantities. If you cook for yourself, you know what you like. So, if you think something will ‘go’ together in a dish, fuck it, throw it in. In other words, if it’s in the kitchen, for God’s sake use it! You aren’t a restaurant critic, you can always toss it and start anew.

1) Budget shopping. As much as it sucks, it must be done. I’m on a shoestring budget here and I’ve learned what to buy and what is cheap. Certain staples are key. Potatoes and onions are always on the cheap. Loaves of bread are usually a good deal. Eggs are fairly inexpensive too.

2) Unless you are boring and just love bland and flavorless food, you need to buy some herbs/seasonings. Fresh herbs are a bit harder to find here but there’s a fair amount of individually portioned/bagged dried herbs & seasonings readily available. They’re a good deal, too. Well-flavored food can make an otherwise lifeless meal a bit more interesting.

3) Fresh fruits & vegetables… the selection isn’t what it is in the U.S. but generally speaking, carrots, cabbage and occasionally tomatoes are on the less expensive side.

I love breakfast food. Always have. This will not change. Lately, I’ve been making larger ‘American style’ breakfasts on the weekends.

Why did I just mention all this stuff? So I can share with you my most recent morning treats! Keeping in mind the points I just covered, here’s what I made last week:roasted potatoes & onions with misc. herbs, omelette with ham, cheese & tomatoes, and some nice hearty thick-sliced Czech bread.Vitamins!

Today’s meal: toast, roasted potatoes & red pepper with thyme, oregano, basil, paprika, salt/pepper, olive oil, three cheese omelette (Hermelin, bleu cheese cream cheese & Moravian cheese–similar to Parm), a nice sliced fresh tomato…. sprinkle more fresh cheese atop and voila! I wouldn’t normally use those kinds of cheese in an omelette but it follows my ‘use what you have’ mentality. Cheese, eggs, potatoes, bread & butter are some of my favorite things!

Some random images from iPhoto!

a) Fine wine of the week. A well-spent 49Kc at Albert. b) I spilled Ranch on the floor. In a land where it’s unavailable, this pretty much went down as the following–Oh shit! Man down! c)Let’s call this the slicer of death. I was at a party at a colleague’s flat in Zizkov a few nights ago and this rusty old Eastern Bloc instrument of torture is about 3 feet from the front door and in plain view of anyone in the kitchen. I inquired about said death tool. It looks like an antiquated meat slicer; you know the kind that the guys in the deli would use. No, this is a bread slicer. Or so I was told. According to my colleague (flatmate of the proprietor of said device), this was affixed to the counter in this spot so when slicing bread, the crumbs will just fall into the sink. Our query, ‘Who the fuck slices bread like this?’ Buy a knife, dude.

I imagined purchasing a ticket and subsequent return here would be a big hassle and a pain in the ass. To my surprise, there was no line and the ticket agent spoke English. Hooray for me & my dumbass monolingual self. Like most modes of transport here, I can report that the trains are efficient (aka on time) and really very nice. The car I was in had approx 12 other people so it made me feel like I spent a bit more than 1176Kc. I’m not suggesting that they were plush accommodations with a complimentary foot massage and bottle of Moet but it wasn’t a sub-standard Eastern European shitty railcar filled with stinky people. Quite nice so color me impressed.

 

RANT:  I was up at 530am and for some GD reason the Finn and his girlfriend (who I NEVER saw and she was here for a WEEK) were both up at the asscrack of dawn, too. That never happened. Dude usually likes to sleep. Anyway, as per his usual messy ass, he promptly went into the kitchen to prepare some vegan breakfast extravaganza that included a gross kind of paste from a tube. Here’s a question: Ok, so vegans and vegetarians don’t eat meat but they eat ‘meat substitutes’ and stuff that kind of ‘looks’ like meat…why? Isn’t the point of being a vegan/vegetarian the AVOIDANCE of meat so why bother with foods that give the meat illusion. Own your fucking status.  So anyway, he was toiling away with the toaster (as he always did) and cut up some vegetables and, of course, left them all sitting out on the counter with the cutting board, knife, loaf of sliced bread and crumbs all over the fucking counter and floor. Let’s hear three cheers for cleanliness. WTF. Good thing he hauled his ass back to Scandinavia. 

 

Profiling? Racist? Never. Here’s an interesting observation–or at least I found it to be…

 

At the last stop in the C.R., the Czech police stroll through the train just looking at people and I suppose checking random papers/passports. Nobody on my car was checked. Then, the overhead p.a. system throws out the ‘thank you’ announcement and the train crew switches over to a German one. Once in Germany, the German police stroll through the cars going through the same process. Again, they walk right past me and everyone else. No wait, they randomly ask for the paper of the Indian family sitting a few rows back. Racial profiling? You decide. Good thing they didn’t find the 4 kilos of hash & heroin packed away in my laptop. 

 

I arrived in Dresden at 11 with 2.5 hrs to kill. What to do, what to do? As it turns out the Czech Consulate is super close to the Dresden-Neustadt station  so that was no problem.  The Brits bombed the shit out of Dresden in WWII. But, in recent years apparently many landmarks have been refurbished/reconstructed so Dresden is really nice. I walked around a bit and was a total tourist. 

 

Consulate appointment at 1:30. There was an American college student trying to get a visa and I thought she was going to have some kind of mental breakdown. Apparently she didn’t have the right insurance papers and I was really sure the girl was going to flip the fuck out. Why? Not only did she not have the right papers but also if she did, they would be in English and since the foreign police are the ones who accept/deny/process your papers, the stuff needs to be in (big surprise!) Czech. She begged for permission to use a fax and the very patient woman behind the counter at the Consulate had to explain multiple times (and quite nicely) that it wouldn’t matter if she got a fax because of the ENGLISH on the document. Anyway, this dumbass girl went on her merry way and probably cried her way back to the train station. 

 

 The interview. First, the Consulate official asked the other people to leave the room as the interview was ‘private.’ There was a series of questions but none of these were terribly personal. She didn’t ask when I had my last period nor did she ask what color underwear I was wearing. Alas, the interview was over shortly and I GOT MY STAMP which is what I came to do. Of course, I’m still not here 100% legally but at least I am permitted to stay longer than the alotted 90-day run from my initial Schengen entry date. The Czech foreign police have 90 to 120 days to approve or deny my visa application so I’ll be here (at least) for a little while longer.

 

The train back to Prague was better than the first. All the cars on the return run were private (6 seater) compartments only. These are the ones you see in the movies. I didn’t even pay for an actual ’seat’ on either leg of the journey but this train was rather empty as was the dining car. The dining car was nice. Real nice. I promptly headed to the dining car and to my dismay there was no Capt. Steubing or ‘Julie Your Cruise Director’ waiting for me at a big table. But then I remembered that I wasn’t on the fucking Love Boat. Damn. Oh well, at least they served beer. Glorious beer. I love you. 

 

 

 

           

 

            

 

      

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I went back to the SAPA market yesterday and ate some lunch that I still have no idea about the meat within the dish. That is, what it was or could have been. I suppose it could have been dog but let’s hope not. On normal circumstances, I don’t usually allow my mind to wander to such culturally different options but considering the odor and smell of what I ate, I’m not entirely sure there wasn’t a domesticated house pet in my lunch. My fear of being taken to the back somewhere and beaten by small Asian men prohibited me from snapping a quick pic of said meal.

I can’t even quite recollect what the dish was called so I’ll do my best to describe what it was. In appearance alone, it looked like Pho. A big steaming bowl of golden broth with noodles and ‘meat’ as well as a plate of herbs & things to mix in at my leisure. Of course, as per usual there were the condiments of Sriacha, hot chilis/oil and some hot garlic as well that was in a jar next to the other condiments. I also ordered a beer (25Kc) and it arrived unopened. The waiter brought me a glass afterwards as well as a bottle opener. The work was to be done by me I suppose. The food arrived in less than 5 minutes which was bonus. I like that. I was fully prepared to fiddle with my iCal on the iPod but alas, my plans of killing time were dashed by quick food arrival. The bowl of steaming ingredients had an odd odor. The ‘meat’ was all fried and doing the backstroke across the top of the piping hot liquid. Even 24 hours later, I’m still not sure on the meat part. At first I thought it was pork and then I thought it was fish. I know, one has hooves while the other has fins. Actually, I think ‘it’ was a mix of both but the ‘kind’ of fish it may have been was a mystery. All the little food markets at SAPA have tanks outside with barely fish (catfish, carp, not sure?). So, by using my powers of deduction, I’ll say that the fish was from one of those establishments. My lunch actually tasted better than it smelled which I think is perhaps a bit odd. Smells and tastes are usually associated with each other and one can usually ascertain a taste by how something smells.

The end result? Well, I’m not dead which is a bonus. And if it was dog, cat, or hamster, it was consumed. You make the call.

I’m headed to Dresden, Germany, in the morning. For those unfamiliar, I suggest you Google the Schengen Zone. As a current Schengen resident, I get to do all kinds of fun bullshitty stuff associated with making me ‘legal’ here. Although the process had already begun, I get to do a quickie day trip to the Czech consulate tomorrow to submit my visa application. If all goes according to plan, and this government decides not to evict me, I get to go back to Dresden at a later date and pick up my approved visa. Then…. I get to hit up the Foreign Police and ‘activate’ my visa. This is all AFTER I’ve obtained a zivnostensky list (trade license). The z-list (as they are abbreviated here) was only acquired following the acquisition of a notarized criminal record check, a signed affidavit from my landlord permitting me to set up ‘business’ at this address and also an additional document from the building owner. Hooray for diplomacy and bureaucratic redtape. Goody goody gumdrops!

Perhaps I’ll blog again from the train to Dresden. Photos and videos of my journey to Deutschland to come at a later date.

Here’s just something that cracked me up. I saw a link for a foam creation light fixture. Yes, really. Anyway, some guy made the following light fixture from foam pieces that are shipped with Apple computers. In the actual instructions, he mentioned that he used low-wattage bulbs so I supposed that reduces/eliminates the pesky worry of safety and fire. Anyway, when I was looking at the pic of the fixture in the office, I noticed that the office has some of the most hilarious framed ‘art’ I’ve seen. I love it and I want to work there. Where can I buy these?

**Oh also, I went to the Prague Zombie Walk on Saturday. In short, a very cool event. Lots of blood, and moaning through the Old Town area. Good times. Stay tuned.

I’ve had a few screencaptures on my desktop for a while now and I fully intended to integrate them into a blog. It hasn’t happened. So, to clean up my desktop, I’m giving you a random synopsis of what I have…..

A few weeks ago President Obama gave a speech at Prague Castle. It was free to the public and many, many people attended. With all my democratic will I planned to watch/listen to this event as not only have I never had this kind of experience, it would certainly make a unique and memorable milestone all the while doing it in a foreign country. Alas, I did not attend. Considering my massive beer intake (free!) the night before, my priorities shifted in the night. If I mention that I slept in my clothes and shoes, that could perhaps give an indication as to my immediate motivation–GO TO BED. When 7am rolled around and I was supposed to meet some peeps to go to the speech, my hungover and pathetic ass was in a deep slumber. Damn that free beer.

Although I have yet to read the full transcript, I understand President Obama spoke about Iran and all the requisite things an American President should talk about. Following the speech, The Prague Daily Monitor printed the transcript as well as posted some viewer comments. Here are two of them.

Pavla is pissed. Is that a fair assumption?

A most excellent idea!! Including myself, I know more than enough people who would echo such a sentiment.

I saw a human gnome on the metro this morning. Yes, a real life gnome. I shit you not. This little man was probably about 4′10″ and that certainly didin’t help his gnomish predicament. Ok, so the guy wasn’t wearing a cute little red hat or shoes that curled up but by God, this guy had the beard and long hair. I’m half convinced that this guy was probably an extra Hobbit.

Speaking of Lord of the Rings, here’s a super nerdy thing that I should mention. At one of my jobs/schools they have a secure in-house web connection for anyone to use. When you are on the network all the other connections appear. Since this is a password protected connection, all the computers are on company premises. I just want to know who the big LOTR freak is that dude names ALL the connections about imaginary places.

And lastly here’s an amusing bit from a class I taught last week. I did a lesson on the ’second conditional.’ (The second conditional is a way of speaking that is used when talking about something that is unlikely, hypothetical or IMAGINARY. Structurally, they are commonly seen as the IF…..THEN statements. Note the IMAGINARY part there.) So, in the lesson there was a series of questions relating to photos I had on the table. The photos were of famous people and the questions were actually from real interviews. One of the questions was about living in another period of time. After the questions, I then asked the student about what that the interview questions were based on. Primarily, I stated, ‘Ok, so these previous questions–were they about REAL or IMAGINARY things?’ My student then proceeds to tell me that in particular the question about going to another period of time could be real. My thinking, ‘Uhhmm, ok–where is he going with this?’ The student then goes even further to mention his past lives. Yes, past lives. He then stated that in one of his past lives he owned a small castle but that he was a very bad man. How did he know he was a bad man? Well, he was bad because he pushed his wife down a hill and killer her. So yes, to wrap things up, he was a bastard wife-killing feudal lord. That wasn’t exactly where I was expecting that line of questioning to be going. Good times.

While the world waits with bated breath as to what our new First Lady, Mrs. Michelle Obama, will be wearing to all this evening’s Inaugural Ball festivities, I prepared a very cheap dinner. Why? So I, like most other people, can watch the news coverage with joyful excitement that today is a new day. I know, that might sound a bit too optimistic or even lofty but that’s the good thing about the changing of the guard. President Obama brings a bit of youth to the office but also of course, his message of hope and change. While watching some of the coverage today I caught myself smiling many, many times. Garnering such a reaction from the populace (including me, a snarky sarcastic person!) is a great way to start a new day on a renewed sense of change and yes, optimism. No, I do not believe Obama is the Messiah, or the second coming of Christ or an infallible man. He will make his own mistakes. However, I do have confidence that he’s a really smart and motivated guy who managed do it on his own in his own way rather than buy, ass-kiss, and fumble his way through the trials and tribulations of life. So, I raise my glass to you–Mr. President, Barack Obama!

As detailed by my slightly inebriated video production posting from a while back regarding my cabinets and lack of food, I came up with a rather delicious meal tonight using the least amount of funds I could scrounge up. Yesterday, while out buying a permanent marker (yes, I made a special trip), I began thinking about what to have for dinner.

SIDENOTE: And before I continue I’ll digress and discuss the permanent marker thing a bit further. A couple weeks ago I bought some boxes and misc. moving materials from a local packing company. I incorrectly assumed that their marker would work. It was dried out and crusty which to me equals a big BOO. But, since I decided to pack stuff up, I have been sitting among open yet filled boxes. Having things out in the open just makes for clutter. Taping these bastards shut really wasn’t an option as I have no intention of mislabeling boxes or not evening labeling them at all. Bad news for a person who isn’t the most organized. The end.

Ok, so I was at the shithole known as KMart (how do they stay in business?) looking around for stuff. Then the dinner thought hit. ‘Hmm alright, what can I throw together that’s super-cheap and easy,’ was my train of thought. Where did I go for food? Kroger? No. Fresh Market? No. Drive-thru? No. I really one-upped myself last night and bought some crap at the dollar store. Well, technically it’s not the Dollar Store as this place is called Deal$ and not everything is a dollar. Yes, really with the $ sign. (Edited for Glenn because he noticed.)  This place has a ridiculous frozen food section. I’m sad to report that is a true statement because of personal experience.  After combing over my options, I bought a box of fish sticks and some game hens. Random items but true. Fish sticks are a total old lady/1970’s treat but I love them; or maybe it’s just a vehicle for which I can eat Frank’s Red Hot. The jury is out on that one.

If you’ve never had/prepared a Cornish Game Hen, go buy one today. They are usually quite cheap and you cook them pretty much like a chicken. Due to my severely limited kitchen capacity, I did however, manage to make a pretty meal. Here’s what I made for about $5…

Wash the hen and pat dry

Squeeze some lemon on the chicken and stuff quarters (no, not currency) inside the bird

Rub some olive oil on the bird if you like, it will be deliciousSprinkle with salt and pepper

Roast in a pre-heated 350F oven for about 70 minutes–this time is not exact, I’m just providing a guide

Baste with a bit of butter near the end and you can make a nice pan sauce

Crank up the heat to about 400F at the end if you want more browned and crispy skin (Crispy poultry skin is one of the best food things on earth for me. So, as such, this is an important step.)

*To be fancier you can make a compound butter. Here are a few ideas for ingredients: lemon, garlic, thyme, rosemary, parsley, celery salt, etc. You get the idea. Rub the butter in/under the skin and baste throughout. The under skin part might prove more difficult with a smaller bird but it works fine with a full-sized chicken.

*I’ve done the garlic/thyme/lemon thing many times on a chicken and well, it’s awesome.

I made a cheap side item of boil-in-bag brown rice and canned corn. Add some salt and pepper at the end and pouring over those pan drippings also makes it tasty, too. 

This is a small dinner plate thus the squawker looking larger than reality.

Unrelated short rant about Wordpress… since I’m a bit OCD with spelling/punctuation etc., I seem to edit my posts several times after publishing. That said, each time I go to edit, the html code gets lost and I’m forced to reformat paragraphs, etc. In other words, my text turns into one big paragraph with no breaks. It’s annoying. Does anyone else have this problem? Other than comb over my post pre-publish for details, how can I avoid this in the future?