Praha, Pivo, Prosim

A picture of sandwiches. Big deal, right? Most of the time I’d agree with you and admit to the ‘uninterestingly high level of blah’ there. However, allow me to explain.

Thursday 10 December

There’s a bit of a set-up first. Since I’m so awesome and have three jobs at the moment, I wanted to prepare a nice edible treat for the holiday party. No, actually contributing food or drink for this party was not a requirement but I was feeling generous this week and I had a plan. I wanted to make chocolate chip cookies. Wow, big deal–snoozefest. Not exactly.

You see, although Czechs go apeshit for their chocolates and sweets (as is evident by the size of said departments in the supermarket), they do not have chocolate chips. And to expand that idea, they do not have chocolate chip cookies. While they can be purchased (Marks & Spencer has them but M&S is a British chain), it’s a largely unfamiliar sweet treat for the locals. As all my dedicated American readers know, chocolate chip cookies are just fucking delicious. Czechs seem to be really interested in our culture (and food as one friend asked me what we eat last week and I forwarded a big list of typically ‘American’ food items). I thought chocolate chip cookies would be a great foray into the American food genre. Plus, free food (laced with butter, sugar and chocolate) is a good way to win people over and get them to talk to you.

Expats.cz is a great resource for all of us living abroad. The site is really a compendium of all things necessary and not-so-necessary for surviving here. It ranges from flat shares, restaurant reviews, movie listings and holiday guides and local events. The forum on expats.cz is also a great place for really specific and random questions you just can’t find the answer to otherwise. It was there I posted about where to locate chocolate chips in this town. I was given three options but of the three I chose Robertson’s. Robertson’s is an importer of British products–food products. There are two shops in town so I hopped the 8 tram to Dejvicka and began my search.

Robertson’s is a small-ish shop but I wasn’t necessarily expecting a huge high-ceilinged warehouse filled with scones and crumpets. I asked the woman behind the counter if she had the chocolate chips and she quickly plopped down two bags. Nice work! Robertson’s also has other goodies unavailable elsewhere in Prague: Dr. Pepper, root beer, Duncan Hines boxed mixes and lastly CHEDDAR CHEESE. Cheddar cheese is pretty much non-existant here. It’s mostly Eidam. And when I say mostly I mean to say about 90% Eidam. When shops have other cheese options, it’s not cheddar. It’s a mild light yellow cheese that is delicious in it’s own right. I’m not here to knock the cheese; the cheese didn’t do anything to me. But again, like the chocolate chip issue, we Americans love our cheddar cheese. We do. The bright orange refrigerated wheel was staring at me from behind the glass case. I had already paid for my purchases but I wanted some fucking cheese.Therefore, I bought 100g of the stuff. Ok yes, that’s metric. I know. It’s nearly impossible to make the mental conversion so here’s a gauge on how little 100g really is…… 1000g = kilo = 2.2lbs. I knew 100g wasn’t going to be much (nor would it last very long) but I needed a fix, bad. If I could mainline the stuff, I would. Yum.

So, continuing on the food train… another item that we Americans really love is peanut butter. While peanut butter is available here it’s some random Euro brand and a small (6oz-ish) container sells for about 80-85Kc (USD 4.50 or so). I’d venture to say that unless there’s an allergy, most American homes have some PB somewhere in the cabinets. We love it that much.

On the way home from Robertson’s I knew what I was going to do. I was going to buy some slice white bread. Yes, I said WHITE BREAD. Sorry, I know all the mutli-grain stuff is better for you but white bread is WHITE FUCKING BREAD. When I got home I was going to slap a shitload of cheddar on buttered white bread and make a grilled cheese sandwich. AND, because I was feeling frisky, I would make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, too. Yes, I know–the rebellion is jumping off the page here.

Friday 11 December

The cookies were a hit with my Czech colleagues and fellow teachers and they were gone in a hurry. I buy my friends with sugar and sweets. That’s how I roll. But perhaps I’ll make some more for the office staff to keep myself in their good graces and maybe get myself some more work out of the deal…..

Saturday 12 December

The Christmas markets are here. They’re pretty fantastic. The Christmas markets are an annual tradition in Prague. They really do give a nice Christmas-y feeling with their red roofed huts and smells of roasted chestnuts and spiced wine floating in the air. Old Town Square (a 5-7 minute walk from my flat) has the biggest markets as well as the busiest. Other markets are all over town; they’d actually be quite difficult to miss if you were strolling the streets.

The markets in OTS have a huge Christmas tree that is lit-up to the 9’s. It’s beautiful. I don’t wax nostalgic or poetic often but this a beautiful giant tree from the Krkonose mountains. The lights on the tree are everywhere and it blinks and sparkles for all to see.

Other Christmas Market pretty stuff.

Food at the markets:

(Various markets pop-up several times through the year and some food/drink is a staple while other items are seasonal.)

Trdelnik…. I have yet to experience these but they look smell delicious. First some kind of dough is made. It is then rolled over a steel/iron pipe and turned over hot coals. The cooked dough is then rolled in cinnamon and sugar (and I think nuts).

Langose... Another dough-based item. I haven’t had these either but I have it on good authority that they are delicious. It’s a circular baked crusty-looking thing on which you can choose your toppings. The most popular seems to be cheese with ketchup (yes, I said ketchup). There are also sweet options as well but the savory is the preferred.

Roasted chestnuts… Yes, we have the famous Christmas song but do you know anyone that has ever had a roasted chestnut? Yeah, me neither. This is certainly a seasonal item and I had to try some. The stands are all over and a bag of about 6-8 chestnuts sells for 50Kc. The chestnuts are roasted in the shells but the moisture of the roasting softens them so removing the contents is quite easy. The taste? It’s ok. I thought they should be sweeter or saltier. By no means gross or nasty–just rather bland. The chestnut ‘meat’ was about the texture of a slightly firm potato and the color was similar as well.

Medovina.... is delicious!!!! This is a honey-based alcoholic drink. It’s diluted with water and either served hot or cold. The markets sell the hot version and I will confirm it’s awesomeness.

Hot spiced wine…. (svarak) served red or white it tastes as you would probably expect. It’s quite delicious. Imagine the flavors of clove, cinnamon, allspice, nutmeg, etc. all swimming around a steaming portion of wine. Nice.

Grog… Rum with hot water. It tastes like rum with hot water. I didn’t notice any additional flavorings added to the serving I had so I can’t give a wordy (and bullshit) flavor profile as if I was drinking a 1964 Chateau Lafite.

Miscellaneous stuff in my brain today….

Architecture–Panelaks… remnants of a Communist past. Panelaks are classic Socialist architecture in every way. They are huge buildings of flats that still pockmark the cities here. There seem to be areas of town that have more than others. Czechs generally dislike panelaks not only for the past that they represent but also because they are ugly. Since I live in the center of town, I live in a ‘regular’ building so I cannot confirm the crappyness that is a panelak. But, I know some people that have lived in panelaks as well as inhabit them presently. They are not spoken about favorably. Here are some examples…

Dinner–Chicken was on sale yesterday. I bought some. With minimal ingredients I made a marinade of olive oil, orange zest, fresh-squeezed orange juice, brown sugar, salt, pepper, cinnamon, ginger, and nutmeg…. Said chicken was marinated and roasted with an onion. A cheap meal!

Work–I have two weeks of holiday time coming up and my flatmates will both be out of the country. Bethany is going to the UK and Olga will be in Romania. It’s times like this that I wish there was a common room in this flat; I would so have a party. I am planning a ‘roll your own’ sushi night with some friends so we’ll see. I suggested heavily boozing it up and hitting the Christmas markets, too. Does someone want to contribute a big bottle of Becherovka for the occasion? I’ll thank you later.

I love how much awesome stuff there is in a big city. And it’s even better when this big city is in Europe and you live there. Bonus.

The street I live on is a sidestreet. Although it’s a sidestreet, there are still plenty of drunk revelers and ‘action’ to keep things interesting. On the back side of the building is my grocery store (but this one sucks) as well as the metro, a tram stop and a big mall. It pays to live near convenience. Anyway, on my little sidestreet there are a few restaurants and bars as well as a hostel and a police station. But additionally, there is a cute little cheese shop (that I think specializes in Dutch cheese). The door to this place is about 20 feet from the front of my building so it’s beyond convenient. Although the shop is small, they do have a decent selection of cheese that I’ve never heard of as well as various klobasas and meats. There are also two tables which I’m fairly certain are for drinking wine & eating cheese. What a wonderful idea!

So, in this country many businesses are either closed on the weekend (including Saturday) or they close at noon on Saturday. Therefore, if you are requiring anything from a smaller shop, you best be hauling your ass out of bed on Saturday. I went to the cheese shop at 10:30 this morning and I bought two kinds of cheese. I don’t have an itemized receipt but I think one is Farm Cheddar (brand name? not sure–thus the capitalization). It has a black rind and the cheese itself is rather pale yellow. It’s certainly not the bright orange cheddar Americans are used to seeing. Cheddar is nearly non-existant here so that’s why I bought 100g of the stuff. Cheese #2–I cannot possibly remember the name because 1) it was in Czech and 2) I had never heard of the stuff before. Maybe I’ll be nice and take photos for you.

Voila!

Today is a day of cooking–here’s the menu

Herbed baguette with cheese–not original but hey, it’s a good start

Roast chicken–made with a compound butter of: rosemary, fresh lemon juice, salt, pepper, oregano, marjoram, basil, garlic– also stuffed with lemon, onion, apple & garlic

Roast vegetables–organic carrots & potatoes with onions–made with olive oil, salt, pepper, rosemary, oregano, basil, marjoram

Steamed broccoli—snooze, I know but my guest likes broccoli. See, I’m a good hostess!

Vanilla nutmeg pudding–layered with an organic blueberry reduction made with lemon zest, honey and apple liquor –topped with an almond/brown sugar/cinnamon crisp

Midnight–food gone, two bottles of wine gone. Done. Time for bed.

The Christmas markets opened yesterday. Reason #410 why Prague is awesome. There is a gigantic tree in Old Town Square. It’s beautiful. Enjoy.

I know, I know, you might all be surprised to hear that I’m at home on a Saturday night. And I don’t even have any beer to keep me company. A serious consideration is hot tea at the moment. Yes, I am living the dream!

NEWS and EVENTS

The biggest news is that my birthday is on Tuesday and I bought an off-camera flash for my DSLR today. I’d rather focus on the latter part of the last sentence as it’s more exciting than the getting older part. But alas, I’ll address both…

The flash–it’s an off brand therefore it is less than the pricier Nikon variety. I wish I could drop some serious cash on super quality equipment but funds are tight and I can’t go spending frivolously; as much as I’d like to do the aforementioned, I have to be aware of how much I have and where it is going. Budgets suck. Boo. Thumbs down budgets! Either way, I’ll be fooling around with this new toy tomorrow so I’ll post some photos in the future. Oh, and to answer anyone that might ask–why is it necessary to buy this kind of flash when most cameras have a built-in flash? Well, that’s a simple one. On camera flashes make people look like fucking shit. Horrible. Skin tones are horrible and complexions look like hell. An extra flash option adds for the possibility of angled lighting or diffused lighting thus making human subjects look human and less like pasty beasts.

The birthday. Ah, yes. Getting older. Those of you that know me, know my age so we’ll leave it at that. However, I will say that I certainly don’t ‘feel’ my age nor do I necessarily ‘act’ my age, either. The number attached to an age is kind of arbitrary but it’s that pesky reminder of just how long we’ve been trotting the globe and making memories.

Important history lesson…. Nov. 17, 1989: The Velvet Revolution, Czech Republic. The end of Communism. As the 20th anniversary of this historical event approaches, the city is preparing many activities and celebrations to commemorate such a momentous time in this country’s history. A Czech friend (and student) told me an interesting story last night. We were out drinking wine under the Charles Bridge at a cute little bistro and she said that her university was located near Vaclavske Namesti (Wenceslas Square). Vaclavske was where much of the Velvet Revolution action happened. For fourteen days she and her fellow students were locked in their rooms. They could hear shooting and shouting but had no idea what was going on. The Berlin Wall had fallen earlier that month and now the time had come to Czechoslovakia. It was their turn.

I now know a substantial amount of locals and/or those raised behind the Iron Curtain and it’s really fascinating to hear stories about the Communist Era. Although, they certainly don’t see it as such because they were living it, there are so many little things about ‘western’ life that I have taken for granted. Things that I would never even think about were unavailable or unknown here during that time. For example….. I was talking to another Czech friend and colleague about how my sister (thanks, V!) would give me green olives but she would SAY they were green cherries. Like a fool, I believed her and ate them only to spit them out. My Czech friend then told me that the first time she had olives was when she was 15 and in Greece because olives were just not available here at that time. She also told me how everyone wore the same shoes. And how the queues (lines) for fruits were extremely long. And how they ate Cuban oranges which are more yellow than orange. Hmm, interesting–importing the other Communist oranges. How apropo.

I’M IN THE MOVIES, BEYOTCH!

I’m hopefully getting a copy of my world premiere film tomorrow. No, no, not porn. Nobody would want to see that. Don’t worry, I’m not going to go all Carrie Prejean and tell Larry King he’s being ‘inappropriate’ when he asks me about it. (And as an aside…and I apologize I’m about to use this word but…. Wow, she’s quite the entitled cunt, isn’t she?) But anyway, I should be meeting Libor and Petra so they can give me a few copies of the documentary. I think there should be an official screening with a red carpet, popcorn and media. Who can I call? I wonder if Povich and Chung are available for press?

FOOD

Here’s something anyone out there could possibly help me out with… The backstory: Ok, a Czech friend (the first one mentioned above) grew up in a small village. She goes to visit her parents frequently. But, because this village is so small, many people grow crops and raise animals so as to provide for themselves. I had known that her parents have chickens and that she often brings free range eggs back to Prague. But, I did not know that there are also rabbits, goats and even friggin’ beehives. Yes, beehives! I want to get my hands on some real organic honey. Being the food geek I am, I was very excited by all this bounty she was telling me about. So, I made her a deal. If she can bring me some organic goodies, I offered to cook. It’s a good trade, really. I get to play with high quality organic food and cook and she gets some free English. The challenge: So, here’s what I’m thinking….. if she brings some awesome eggs, I would like to make a souffle. For anyone that has never had a souffle, trust me when I say they are delicious. And if you love eggs, go find a restaurant that serves them now! Souffles are just big fluffy, eggy goodness. I think cheese souffles are the most ‘go-to’ but there are various savory options as well as sweet. If anyone out there has souffle experience, I’d like to hear about it. What did you make? How did it turn out? Tips? I’m always down for making new recipes so getting feedback would be most helpful.

I had to go there with the lame title. It’s Halloween!

It’s been a productive day thus far. Many people like to be lazy on Saturdays. I like to get shit done. That’s how I roll. Up at 730, two loads of laundry done by 9, shopping at the mall and the supermarket done by 1030. Cooked lunch and having a glass of wine by 130. Good times.

Whole roaster chickens were on sale (AKCE! One of my favorite Czech words) at Albert today so I had to buy one. Roasted chicken is one of my favorite foods and roast chicken skin? Sweet Mother of God–it’s my crack. I knew I wanted to make a chicken salad today so I threw some random things together. Here’s what I did…..

Mix olive oil, fresh lemon juice, salt, pepper, marjoram, rosemary & oregano in a bowl. Rub it all over the bird. Stuff the bird with a cut up onion and an apple. Cook your bird and baste periodically.

I like cucumber and tomatoes so I used those today. Chop to the desired size. I also had an extra onion left so I decided to use that. Since raw onion isn’t one of the greatest things to me, I sauteed it in some olive oil and salt. After the onion started to brown, I added a chopped clove of garlic and a splash of red wine.

Assemble the salad and dress with your favorite dressing. Since I’m an American living in Europe, I used Hidden Valley Ranch. Trust me, it’s a gold mine here as Ranch is unavailable. I have my Mom to thank for shipping me goodies.

Pour yourself a glass of wine and bon appetit!

Here are some random pictures for your viewing pleasure!

The above were taken at the Wine & Cheese Festival in Old Town Square. Ironically, we only saw one place that was selling a few spices and there was no wine to be found anywhere. Boo!

RelfBowl ‘09: Letna Park–Go Big or Go Home

Kutna Hora, Czech Republic

The Sedlec Ossuary–everyone knows about the bone church! Wikipedia says it’s made with 40-70k skeletons.

In a feat of bad English instruction I bring you some information about Czech hookers…

First, allow me to explain…

Last week, somehow the topic of prostitution came up in a lesson. Yes, you read that right. No holds barred in my classes.

Anyway, prostitution is legal here. That is, from what I had heard, prostitutes are legal if they operate within a brothel. I asked my student to confirm said knowledge. My student didn’t know the word ‘brothel’ so I provided a synonym: whorehouse. From there, I broke down the word further…. a whore = a prostitute a ‘ho’ = slang for a prostitute (I also said it is unwise to refer to a woman as a HO unless of course she really IS a ho)…. (Random: Czechs love learning American slang! They might not take many notes in class but if I preface some terms by saying they are ‘American slang,’ they quickly grab their pens and get to work.)

So, of course the student remembers the slang term HO which he used in a correct form today. I was so very proud at that moment and I expressed said pride in the knowledge that he now knows about hos.

Anyway, back to my story… so yes, it is true that prostitutes are required to conduct their business from a brothel. However, that’s not to say there aren’t your run-of-the-mill street hookers and jacked-up, one-toothed, peg-legged, crackwhores wandering the dark alleys of Prague. I’ve walked down Vaclavske Namesti numerous times at night and I can say I’ve never noticed a street ho parading her ass around the sausage stands for a fresh John. Maybe they don’t dress like your typical American street hooker complete with fish nets stockings, busted teeth and clear-heeled ho boots. I also don’t know how much the local and state police monitor the ho stroll so I sadly can’t report any hilarious hooker arrests involving flying shoes and spitting. Too bad–it would be a good blog.

So anyway back to my point…. my student told me that yes, they are supposed to work in the whorehouse but there is a famous stretch of road here in the Czech Republic that has some internationally famous hookers. No, I don’t mean that they are famous individually for any special or unique hooker skills they might possess. I just mean to say that from what Valer told me, there is a stretch of the E55 highway littered with Czech-speaking blow job queens. Somehow I find the prospect of being a highway hooker quite depressing. Of course I’m not suggesting that I think the life of a regular city ho is anything glamorous. No sir, I’ve seen Sally Jesse and Springer; I know how that shit goes down. But man, selling your ass for a quickie in the back of a semi truck hauling zucchini to Berlin must really be scraping the bottom of the proverbial pride barrel. Dang, y’all.

**I was going to provide a link but if you Google ‘prostitutes on E55,’ you’ll find some interesting stuff.

I’m doing the classic/lazy copy/paste on this because I wanted to share this here. I sent this to a friend last night and I’m passing it along to all of you (albeit with a few minor edits)….

I just experienced something that for some reason I thought you would appreciate. Sure, many people could appreciate this but I think you would be one of the few who would ‘Oh damn, this IS amazing’ with me on this one…

I just returned from Letna Park. Of course you have no idea what or where Letna Park is located….. Allow me to explain Letna Park and a bit of Prague first. Prague has been built on 7 hills. These hills aren’t vast mountains spanning across echoing valleys but they can certainly make navigation on foot a pain in the ass. In addition to these hills, the Vltava River also cuts through Prague. Two of Prague’s nicknames include The Mother of Cities and The City of a Hundred Spires. Needless to say, this is a very old and a very weathered place. Perhaps one could say that Prague is even the ‘heartbeat’ of what one would consider to be a Gothic city; we’re talking 1K years here. It’s practically everywhere you look and I love that. From the small little architectural details to the street signs and such, the age of Prague is inescapable. But the funny thing is, I don’t want to escape it; I don’t know anyone who does. Here it’s old stuff with a past. But it isn’t just age or something from a history book, it’s years and time and it’s effortlessly timeless. There are so many historic structures and so much history here, both known and unknown, it’s crazy. The darkened alleyways and cobblestone streets have so many stories and secrets to tell. I would like to hear them all.

Anyway, back to Letna Park…. Letna sits on one of the seven hills of Prague. The park is across the Vltava and directionally, it’s N/NE(ish) of the Old Town area. Letna also has a fucking great beer garden. Yes, I said beer garden. Those are fantastically useful words when used separately but when in unison, it’s as if the clouds part and God Himself is speaking to you. Jesus is your bartender now, pull up a stool.  The beer garden at Letna is hugely popular, especially on warm summer nights. That’s when the beer is the best! Sitting in Letna park at a table right by the railing overlooking Prague is just pretty damn amazing. Because of the geography and the short distance across the river, you can see so much; you can see everything and yet it isn’t enough. More is what you want. You can look left and you can look right and see the spires of centuries old buildings all while enjoying a gloriously golden Czech lager. The beer is tall and inviting and calling your name.  It’s cold and bubbly and tastes so very good. You can silently wonder to yourself who has done the same thing in that very spot on a night just like this and be humbled by it all. It’s a moment of GD perfection, if I do say so myself. And although I have been to Letna many times before, the view doesn’t get old. Ever. It’s something new everyday even if only slightly so…. it’s another day added to the calendar of this beautiful and historic place.

Tonight, I was there during twilight. You know, twilight is that that special time of day when the light is just so and everything flickers just a bit, it lends to this etherial kind of glow and mystery. The shades of blue are everywhere; and some hints of orange and red still twinkle in the streetlights below and in the reflections in the windows. I really smiled a big smile when I was taking it all in and I just know you’d have done the same. I’d equate it to one of those, ‘Damn, it’s great to be alive,’ moments.

Sometimes it’s just those silly little things that make us smile.So, I raise my beer (pivo) to you and send a big na zdravi (to your health!) across the big wide pond known as the Atlantic……until we meet again!  After reading that I pose this query: who is ready for a visit?!

I imagined purchasing a ticket and subsequent return here would be a big hassle and a pain in the ass. To my surprise, there was no line and the ticket agent spoke English. Hooray for me & my dumbass monolingual self. Like most modes of transport here, I can report that the trains are efficient (aka on time) and really very nice. The car I was in had approx 12 other people so it made me feel like I spent a bit more than 1176Kc. I’m not suggesting that they were plush accommodations with a complimentary foot massage and bottle of Moet but it wasn’t a sub-standard Eastern European shitty railcar filled with stinky people. Quite nice so color me impressed.

RANT:  I was up at 530am and for some GD reason the Finn and his girlfriend (who I NEVER saw and she was here for a WEEK) were both up at the asscrack of dawn, too. That never happened. Dude usually likes to sleep. Anyway, as per his usual messy ass, he promptly went into the kitchen to prepare some vegan breakfast extravaganza that included a gross kind of paste from a tube. Here’s a question: Ok, so vegans and vegetarians don’t eat meat but they eat ‘meat substitutes’ and stuff that kind of ‘looks’ like meat…why? Isn’t the point of being a vegan/vegetarian the AVOIDANCE of meat so why bother with foods that give the meat illusion. Own your fucking status.  So anyway, he was toiling away with the toaster (as he always did) and cut up some vegetables and, of course, left them all sitting out on the counter with the cutting board, knife, loaf of sliced bread and crumbs all over the fucking counter and floor. Let’s hear three cheers for cleanliness. WTF. Good thing he hauled his ass back to Scandinavia. 

Profiling? Racist? Never. Here’s an interesting observation–or at least I found it to be…

At the last stop in the C.R., the Czech police stroll through the train just looking at people and I suppose checking random papers/passports. Nobody on my car was checked. Then, the overhead p.a. system throws out the ‘thank you’ announcement and the train crew switches over to a German one. Once in Germany, the German police stroll through the cars going through the same process. Again, they walk right past me and everyone else. No wait, they randomly ask for the paper of the Indian family sitting a few rows back. Racial profiling? You decide. Good thing they didn’t find the 4 kilos of hash & heroin packed away in my laptop. 

I arrived in Dresden at 11 with 2.5 hrs to kill. What to do, what to do? As it turns out the Czech Consulate is super close to the Dresden-Neustadt station  so that was no problem.  The Brits bombed the shit out of Dresden in WWII. But, in recent years apparently many landmarks have been refurbished/reconstructed so Dresden is really nice. I walked around a bit and was a total tourist. 

Consulate appointment at 1:30. There was an American college student trying to get a visa and I thought she was going to have some kind of mental breakdown. Apparently she didn’t have the right insurance papers and I was really sure the girl was going to flip the fuck out. Why? Not only did she not have the right papers but also if she did, they would be in English and since the foreign police are the ones who accept/deny/process your papers, the stuff needs to be in (big surprise!) Czech. She begged for permission to use a fax and the very patient woman behind the counter at the Consulate had to explain multiple times (and quite nicely) that it wouldn’t matter if she got a fax because of the ENGLISH on the document. Anyway, this dumbass girl went on her merry way and probably cried her way back to the train station. 

 The interview. First, the Consulate official asked the other people to leave the room as the interview was ‘private.’ There was a series of questions but none of these were terribly personal. She didn’t ask when I had my last period nor did she ask what color underwear I was wearing. Alas, the interview was over shortly and I GOT MY STAMP which is what I came to do. Of course, I’m still not here 100% legally but at least I am permitted to stay longer than the alotted 90-day run from my initial Schengen entry date. The Czech foreign police have 90 to 120 days to approve or deny my visa application so I’ll be here (at least) for a little while longer.

The train back to Prague was better than the first. All the cars on the return run were private (6 seater) compartments only. These are the ones you see in the movies. I didn’t even pay for an actual ’seat’ on either leg of the journey but this train was rather empty as was the dining car. The dining car was nice. Real nice. I promptly headed to the dining car and to my dismay there was no Capt. Steubing or ‘Julie Your Cruise Director’ waiting for me at a big table. But then I remembered that I wasn’t on the fucking Love Boat. Damn. Oh well, at least they served beer. Glorious beer. I love you. 

The Beer Gods

In Czech, when a sign reads AKCE, you should follow said sign. My Czech vocabulary is limited but this is a good thing. I’ll explain why.

There is a beer God and he exists in the form of 3.90Kc per beer. Yes, we have a winner! Bargain! While the currency exchange rate fluctuates, I keep a standard 20Kc per 1USD in my head when I’m doing the conversion. So, if you include a 3Kc/bottle return rate, the beer is 7.90Kc each. That said, there is no unit of currency here smaller than 1Kc so when anything is listed as say X.90 or X.50Kc, the store (or the magic money Gods) keeps the difference. I can’t figure why stuff just isn’t listed at whole Kc units. Rounding up the amount is the only way to go. Moral of the story? A half liter of Czech-made brew for 8Kc each. See, I bought six!

Branik isn’t the best beer by any stretch. But, it’s certainly not the Czech equivalent to Milwaukee’s Best and it’s far from being as catastrophic as hexavalent chromium. (Was that reference too vague?) Alas, when the beer is practically FREE and the store wants you just to take it off their premises, you must do your duty as a human and bring the stuff home, chill it and then bask in the bubbly golden glory that is pivo.

Here’s something about the beer here that I don’t think I’ve mentioned….beer is on draft here. It’s everywhere. That’s a given. However, when the guy is pulling your beer from the tap (or tank–but I’ll cover that in a later post), he does something wonderful and magical. All the beer here (best to the worst included) is served with a thick foamy head. No, this isn’t like the head you get off a beer from a bottle and certainly not like the head you get off a US domestic draft. This is different. Other than actually seeing it for yourself, I can say the apparent difference is immediate. This famed foamy head that rests atop your beverage does not dissipate quickly nor acquiesces quietly into submission. No, this stuff lingers. Of course, the more you consume your beverage, the head will decrease but little foamy bubble rings will slowly creep down the sides of your glass as the amber hued nectar backstrokes through your digestive system, becomes incorporated and welcomed friend into your evening and more importantly, incorporates into your soul.

Flea Markets

If you haven’t been to one, go find one. Flea markets are great people watching locations as well as being hubs of activity for the dirty, the unwashed, the perverted, and for many varieties of the species known as mullet. That said, there really isn’t much difference between American flea markets and the flea market at Kolbenova. I’m calling it that because I don’t know the real name; it’s across the street from the Kolbenova metro stop so thus my assumption. I have a 90-day metro/tram pass that permits me to go anywhere and since I’m on a rather ’shoestring’ budget, I figured I’d go maximize what I can do for the least amount of money. (Plus, this allowed me to work in my new nerdy hobby of metro/tram/bus riding. Yes, I know, it sounds like an activity for an indigent individual who just wants a quick thaw from a cold and blustery winter evening.)

There is an entrance fee to the flea market at Kolbenova. Twenty Kc isn’t ridiculous but I was expecting the place to be free. First off, I’ll say that the flea market is located in/around/behind a worn-down industrial swath of buildings. Well, its basically a big parking lot behind some shithole asbestos landmines.

Upon entry, there is an immediate food and beer vendor. Nice. But then the place opens up. This dusty parking lot is huge. Vendors set up their wares either on blankets on the ground or on tables or even on the hoods of their cars. There was actually quite a lot of stuff I wasn’t expecting to see there: washing machines, refrigerators, satellite dishes, windshields and bumpers, bras, guns, and super cheap porn. I almost considered buying some cheap Eastern European amateur porn just so I could mark the stuff up 3,000% and sell it on EBay. I could make a killing. And to clarify…how cheap is ’super cheap’ porn? Well, is 20Kc cheap enough for you? That’s less than 3 of the cheapie Braniks from Albert.

Aside from the flesh and ammo peddlers, there was also a fair amount of stuff that looked like it was scavenged right from the the attic of a dead of Czech lady. In fact, I think her crusty, rotting, and partly dessicated heart still beats the heartbeat of Communism. From her Communist regime decorated home, the vendors scavenged and fought their way to plenty of Cold War era boots and helmets to make available for purchase. The most interesting thing I saw at the flea market was actually a collection of old (and rather artistic) post cards. Some had been written on and posted and some were still blank. Most had scenes of a tranquil Czechoslovakian countryside while others were from local pubs and miscellaneous points of interest. This was another mental note I made that if I bought this stuff, I could totally sell it on EBay. There is always something oddly personal and fascinating about not only reading someone else’s mail but also getting a unique perspective of history. I don’t know, maybe it could be called a written snapshot. A moment frozen in time now available for sale for only 100Kc!

Although I mentioned that the flea market is quite large (which it is), a few of these were snapped in the ‘empty’ part of the lot so it appears more bleak than reality.

Flatmate Rant

One of my flatmates is incapable of doing his dishes. I understand he is from a foreign county as am I, however, in my native language there is a little word called CLEANING. I’m fairly sure it has a linguistic counterpart in every and all parts of the world. However, somehow I think the Finnish version of this word was not taught to my flatmate. I do his dishes everyday. Not a joke. The fact that he’s a vegan is cool with me but he makes some real funky vegan food. For example… for a while he was concocting some stuff and putting it in a plastic container in the fridge. It is/was a warm yellow (I’ll call Yukon Gold potato yellow) paste-like substance but it was not potatoes. I peeled the lid back once and I couldn’t determine what the fuck it was or could possibly have been. The vegan diet eliminates any and all animal meats and animal derived products so I’m at a loss to how he prepared this stuff and/or consumed it with glee and fervor. So anyway, he (to be named later) likes to cook pasta and tofu and sauce. He does this a lot. A couple times a week, actually. But, I think something happens to him physiologically when he’s stirring the pasta in the pot as his arms are rendered useless. What? ‘That doesn’t make sense,’ is what you are thinking. Well to my expertly trained eye, I gather that the excited motions of constant stirring send his muscles into a post-stirring shock. His arms lock up and dangerous chemicals are released into his bloodstream. He is only barely able to finish the intensive process by plating his meal and leaving the dishes for the god damn dish gnome (me!) to wash. Oh glorious day! I love it when I get to wash the dishes of a grown ass man that I haven’t even seen naked.

So, I came home the other day and as per usual, there were dirty dishes to be cleaned. Oh joy. (Now wait, you might be thinking I’m some kind of neurotic germ-o-phobe or just a super anal bitch. I can certainly be bitchy but I’m by no means anal. I do, however, have (and know) the concept of what it is to live with others. I have also lived alone and I am aware that I have to do my OWN cleaning. Why? Because unless you live with your Mother, nobody else is going to do it for you. And before you tell me what an idiot I am for doing his dishes, I should tell you that the supplies in this flat at LIMITED. There isn’t enough to go around for multiple meals so if you want to use a piece of cookware or a plate, it has to be clean to use it. We ain’t go no backups, yo.) Back to my story…. I came home the other day and as per usual there were dirty dishes on the stove and in the sink. Great, awesome, fun, I love this job! My flatmate was gone but he left his creation sitting in a container (no lid) on the counter. I don’t think he did this inadvertently, he just doesn’t give a shit. The ketchup was also mysteriously out on the counter. I hadn’t used it that day and the 3rd flatmate is out of the country so by my amazing skills of deduction, I knew that HE was the guilty party. My conclusion was that this guy squeezed a big mound of generic Euro ketchup upon his vegan pasta nightmare. Dude that’s not vegan, that’s just gross. He usually uses bottled pasta sauce and he loves to keep the jars. Keep the jars everywhere, I mean. Most of Europe is recycle friendly but HE just lets these jars pile up all over. He doesn’t DO anything with them just like he doesn’t DO anything with the pile up of empty wine bottles. (Note: I finally threw the wine bottles away last week because I was tired of looking at them.) On another note, he also likes to leave out random half eaten vegetables. For example, there is a sliced lemon on a plate that has been sitting out for 3 days. But, with greater frequency there is usually either a tomato, cucumber, or a random pepper sitting out waiting for bugs to spread their diseased legs on for which to spew forth their vile offspring.

Aside from his genetic predisposition at being incapable of cleaning (maybe it’s an allergy? his body is rejecting the geographic relocation away from his Nordic homeland?), he also contributes nothing to this flat. No wait, sorry, he pays rent. Now of course I’m not expecting some kumbaya circle-of-friends dynamic and hand-holding and for us to all be the best of friends. However, it would be nice if a) he bought some fucking toilet paper b) bought some soap c) thanked me for doing A and B. Ok, I realize the buying soap might be a stretch because then that would be an admission that he knew what it was for….WASHING THE DISHES. Smart move on his part? Perhaps.

Count the jars. There are more unseen. They’re like ghosts.

Also, please note the random tomato and pepper. The pepper was only in the refrigerator because I put it there. True story.

OK, end rant.

Nerd Hobby

Going back to the random fun hobby I have of riding the metro/tram/bus….I took a journey to the SW part of town on Friday. I like to check out mapy.cz and find someplace with an old building or church and figure out the directions and go from there. Anyway, seeing this car cracked me up so ladies, if you are available, call Jaroslav!!

Food Budget

That shoestring budget I mentioned earlier? If you look for and purchase the right things here, groceries can actually be relatively inexpensive. Namely, potatoes, onions, and pork are super cheap and you can easily buy a fair amount of all three for a total less than 5USD. This is good for me as thankfully, I love some roasted potatoes and onions and well, according to Anthony Bourdain, porky goodness is just that. Tonight, I bought some random red curry paste (with the English directions conveniently covered over with a sticker), vegetables and rice. Cheap veggies and rice combinations can make your food dollar really stretch. One doesn’t have to be a coupon-cuttin’ Momma to know how to make the most of your food dollar. Ok, so I had a bag of frozen peas and frozen cauliflower. Both delicious and nutritious. The refrigerator in this flat is half-sized. Boo, I know. But, due to the size of this horribly small freezer, I was trying to maximize what little space there is by consolidating said vegetables. BRAINSTORM! ‘I’ll just marry the contents of the bags–it will save space! I’m a genius!’ Ah well, therein was my problem. Because I decided to marry the peas into the cauliflower rather than vice versa, I had a rather comical moment. And also, because the openings on the bags were both too small, this compounded the issue. Let’s just say that the sound of PLINK PLINK PLINK echoed throughout the kitchen as the little green balls from hell went everywhere. I think perhaps the top of the cabinets and the walls were the only surfaces unscathed by pea madness ‘09. These little frolicking bastards even got INSIDE the refrigerator. Jumpy little fuckers. Good times.

In the Czech Republic the first of May is a big holiday. Schools and offices are closed and everyone gets to enjoy a day off. Also, it’s a day when Czechs are quite amorous and expressive of their love and libidos. You see, the first day of May is also kind of the Czech version of our Valentine’s Day. According to tradition, you must kiss your lover under a blossoming cherry tree on May first and you will be granted love/luck/prosperity. Frankly, I’m not quite sure if all three of those are true but you get my point. So, a bunch of us headed up the Ujezd funicular to the Petrin where there is a nice park and plenty of cherry trees.

Petrin has a big observation tower that looks quite like the Eiffel Tower. As a whole though, the locale in its entirety is called Petrin Hill (as Prague is a city of hills) so there are great views of the city from there. I cannot confirm this as yesterday was my first trek to Petrin and my ass wasn’t about to hoof it up the tower. I’ll certainly do it another time but I had already walked enough this week and I just wasn’t in the mood to wait in line and get all sweaty when my priorities were elsewhere. Where else could my priorities have been? Ah well, one of the political parties here sponsored some kind of even at Petrin and thusly sold beer and klobasa (I supppose it’s like a Kielbasa–just a big damn sausage that is served with thick sliced Czech bread and spicy mustard). There were also miscellaneous treats for kids (cookies, marzipan confections, etc.) as well as a few of those stupid bouncy-type rooms where kids can toss their lunch onto a plastic vibrating surface. But, going back to the beer and klobasa thing…this was by far the cheapest beer I’ve experienced in this country. The sausage and beer were only 10Kc each. Yeah, EACH. That’s about fifty cents. They WANT you to drink it. It’s an offense to the beer Gods if you do not do so.

So, going back to the Czech day of love and romance and all things sex. I actually really like the idea of kissing your lover under a tree and somehow it guaranteeing continued love and happiness. However, the skeptic in me realizes that’s just a silly tradition but at least it gives people a way to make out as much as possible. That said, Czechs are very open with affection. Much more so than anyone would ever be in the US. Sure, there’s the occasional kiss and hand holding but nothing to the degree that I’ve seen here. There are more than enough make-out sessions on the metros and trams. But they don’t stop on public transport, these folks will be kissy and grabby in most places. Similarly, this openness to sex and love is part of the Czech culture; this behavior is not unique to May first. As I mentioned in a previous blog post, this is a rather sexually liberated country and they have little issue with sexuality, discussions of sex, prostitution, or pornography. So, knowing this, I was fully expecting a flat-out park sex incident yesterday at Petrin. Color me disappointed when all we saw was a bit of spooning and a guy engaged in some kind of yoga/stretchy thing. In fact, the afternoon was low-key which was quite the opposite of what I was expecting. I suppose I was likening it to the ‘if you can shoot up on the sidewalk and not get arrested’ scenario, then why can’t you copulate with your burly hairy backed man lover in the park?

I uploaded some random videos I’ve snapped with my cheap point & shoot over the past few months. Enjoy. Note: they are out of sequence and I didn’t bother to edit them or make them more interesting via iMovie.

On a final note, today is Derby Day and I’m missing it. Something tells me though that my friends back in Kentucky will be having great time!

It’s been 10ish days since the last blog and while I don’t have anything really exciting to report I can say that I landed a 3rd job. Although none of these jobs have started yet (yawn!), at least I’ll be working soon (Monday!!!) and will begin generating an income. While not working is great, it’s just a bit boring as I have no television and funds are limited. Boo on both fronts.

MEDIA Not having a television sucks. It does. I’m a tv girl. I miss my shows. I’d even take a CSI: Miami marathon right now and David Caruso is the biggest douchebag on American television. Damn. My time away is making me crave the Horatio. WTF? When discussing my tv woes with one of my flatmates (the one that actually speaks), she told me she found a movie website. Great, awesome, sweet! Ok, of course there are about a bajillion movie websites with free streaming feeds. The problem is that most of these feeds link to Megavideo. Megavideo is fine if you don’t mind watching something for 72 minutes or less. Apparently, the higher ups at Megavideo decided 72 minutes is the magical cut-off. At that time, you can either pony up some cash and get a ‘real’ account or you can ‘wait’ 54 minutes and continue watching. Problem with waiting is that well, it’s WAITING and the stream doesn’t keep your ‘place’ so you have to wait MORE through any buffering issues. Boring. Yawn. I don’t like that option. I’m sure there’s some techie issue that could get me around this problem but I don’t know what that is so….. anyway, since finding this ‘new’ site, I’ve been a movie whore for the last 4 days. My tally is up to 10 or so and that’s just sad. That said, here’s a few movie recommendations: Dead Snow (see below), Hamlet 2, Pineapple Express, Let the Right One In, Step Brothers, Winged Creatures, 3:10 to Yuma…..

ZOMBIES I was at Marks & Spencer yesterday at Palladium and the cashier guy looked like a real-live zombie. Yes, zombie. This dude was tall & lanky, super pale with sunken and reddened eyes and goofy ears that grew away from his head. Zombie was the first thing in my head when I saw poor Jaromir. He could be a perfectly nice man; this is something I will never know. But, perhaps since I’m fresh off the Norwegian horror flick ‘Dead Snow’ (with Nazi zombies–yes, really and it was fucking awesome), I think he looks more like a zombie than an average person who doesn’t watch such cinema.

DRUGS While I was walking away from Skrivanek (one of my employers) the other day, I saw a guy examining the crack rock he had just purchased. Apparently the drug laws (or enforcement of said laws) are quite lax here so thus the crack inspection. Good times. At least he’s monitoring his purchase before he fires up. I still haven’t seen the kids shooting up in the park behind the National Museum. Sad but true. I want to have an HBO Undercover experience.

MEAT I found some Czech-style bologna the other day. Bologna is fucking delicious. Sorry vegetarians, it is. Eat it. Now. My general Czech vocabulary hasn’t improved any so I’m still kind of shopping for things at random. When I was in the deli meat section, I decided I wanted a sandwich. My American friends know good and well that I heart my sandwiches. It’s true. I cannot deny this love. Bread + meat + cheese = Awesomeness! Anyway, this bologna is delicious. It’s flecked with fat which, in my book, makes a damn fine meal. Nobody ever really wants to admit it but fat is what makes meat taste so bloody good. It’s true. Look it up.

WHEN YA GOTTA GO, YA GOTTA GO A few weeks ago on the tram we passed along a gentleman in the street helping his son with a rather intimate activity. Clearly the kid had to take a leak and rather than go use a public facility, Daddy leaned over Junior and assisted in the peeing process. Into the street grate it went. Really. While walking to the Glossa office today, I noticed the second occurrence of said pee assistance. Different parent and different kid but yep, Momma had her hands on the cocktail weenie while the golden stream flowed down into the sewers of Prague. I really had to laugh as I was assuming the first instance was just some freak thing I’d never see again but I was proven wrong today. Now, my assumption is different. Perhaps during the hot summer months the streets will be filled with parents and peeing kids. There’s already enough dog shit on the sidewalks in this town, do I now have to dance and tippie-toe thus evading the kiddie urine?

EASTER BUNNY The annual Easter Festival is all over town for nearly a month. I don’t know exactly what this entails but there are food vendors set up in several spots around town selling miscellaneous meats and pastry items as well as the obligatory Czech beer. There also seem to be lots of painted eggs and children’s toys. Good times.

OBAMA IN THE HIZZY Obama is going to be here this weekend. I admit, this is a bit exciting and I should go. I want to go. But….. standing around in one spot all day does not appeal in any way.

Upon further inspection I’m happy to report that the security detail will not be permitting ammo or explosives. Phew. I was worried for a minute. Also, please note that ’structures’ are prohibited. I love the vagueness of structure prohibition. To clarify, exactly what qualifies as a ’structure?’ Is this something I’m affixing to the cobbled walk around the speaking platform or would say an inflatable yard pool fall under the descriptor of structure? I need additional support on this otherwise I’ll have to ditch my lesson plan for a newer and streamlined one.

BOOZE Wine. Let’s talk about this. Usually, I’m not a big wine person. Not that I don’t like it because I do and it can be great. However, I typically go the route of pivo and certainly now that I’m in a beer-consuming and producing culture. That said, I did make a few purchases at Albert last week. A good portion of the wine here is inexpensie. We’re talking less than 200Kc here (10USD) and that’s if you are springing for some ‘good stuff.’ My knowledge of European wine is for shit and the Eastern European varieties are completely lost on me. So, since I was in a wine kind of mood I bought a bottle of some stuff from Bulgaria. Yeah, Bulgaria. I didn’t know that made wine either. But hell, just about every place on earth produces or bottles their own wine so the Bulgarian factor really shouldn’t be so surprising. A big 49Kc is what I paid for that stuff. Go ahead & get your currency converter. I’ll wait. Like I said…it’s um, ‘inexpensive.’ Cut to two nights later and I was back at Albert. I’m not lying when I say I found something cheaper. Yes, cheaper than 49Kc. Behold the special selection for Albert (note the store logo on the back label!)–sold for the low, low price of 39Kc. And yes, I DID drink it as is evident by the photo. At such a ridiculous price, how could I NOT consume it?

SAPA MARKET The SAPA market is in Prague 4. In my last blog I detailed my trip to the Vietnamese market in Prague 10. I have since been to the market in Praha 4. The SAPA market is huge. Fucking gigantic. We’re talking a small city here. For realz. Yet another adventure involving a metro and then a bus. Geographically, SAPA isn’t that far away but I was really channeling Bourdain on that visit. I’ve never been to Asia but holy crap, it felt like Vietnam.

The retail halls at SAPA are huge. Several buildings with criss-crossed aisles again selling tons of clothes, purses, toys, etc. There is also quite a bit more ethnic food variety at SAPA as there are several independent markets selling odd-looking items. Of the shops I visited, there was/is a rather interesting looking item behind the glass in the meat counter. It’s a big plastic bowl of various (raw) cuts of meats and organs with raw egg yolks swimming around in the multi-colored flesh. I was curious to know what the stuff is but seeing as I how I cannot communicate in Czech or Vietnamese, I didn’t bother asking. Anyone?

One of the restaurants had a guy blow-torching some kind of meat on the sidewalk. Dude was blow torching like it was a lab experiment. The whole effect looked cool & random & gritty but he didn’t want me to take a picture of him so you’ll just have to use your imagination on that one. I’m going back later; I want blow-torched food.

MANNEQUINS The random mannequin parts are all over SAPA. Unfortunately, my website provider isn’t allowing me to upload the pic of mannequin heads in a metal bin. Damn. Boo on technology. Maybe next post. 

PHOTOSHOP Here’s a bit of before & after. Original was taken in the rain on a shitty March morning.